50 Sixth Dates (with SaraJean)

Have you ever seen the movie, "50 First Dates"? It's a romantic comedy from 2004, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The premise is that Adam Sandler likes Drew Barrymore, but she has amnesia. Thus, they end up going on many "first dates." I haven't seen the movie, but the title reminded me of my relationship with SaraJean.

Date 5 was July 14, 2012: "The Hobbit." Back in early May, our plan was to have 6 "official" dates. After that, SaraJean and I would talk about having a deeper relationship. Also, after Date 1, we agreed to have a no-touching boundary until the end of the 6 dates. So far, we had kept that rule, not even holding hands or hugging. In fact, one time SaraJean hurt her foot and needed a band-aid, and I wasn't sure if it was okay to help her put it on. (FYI, it wasn't a question of her needing help, as she can probably do that better on her own anyway. However, she would have been okay with me helping.)

We planned to have Date 6 the next weekend. During that week, a few things happened:

–I secretly looked into getting SaraJean a custom mini-license plate (i.e., a nameplate). I've done this before for friends, but this one would be special.
–I visited SaraJean one evening, and I had some hard apple cider and we watched the anime, "Maison Ikkoku."
–I secretly looked into taking SaraJean to the SIGGRAPH computer-graphics conference. I thought she might enjoy it, and I know she likes good surprises.
–SaraJean sent me a long email, discussing her feelings (and doubts) about us so far.

That last part was a little scary, as it was the first time SaraJean had put into writing any doubts about us. However, it was also good. It gave me time to really think about what she said and to understand her point of view, and it gave me time to think about how I really felt.

From Huntington

SaraJean and I spent most of that weekend together. We met a new friend, Miriam, and walked around the Huntington Gardens with her. SaraJean and I talked about the things she brought up in her email. However, we never seemed to find the time to do a proper "Date 6."

Then, that Sunday, something very important happened. I finally wasn't able to resist being physical with SaraJean. What happened was that we were both in my room, talking. Obviously, that's a recipe for temptation, but it was something we had done before. We both clearly wanted to be closer, on some level. I suppose when I realized we weren't going to have Date 6 that weekend, and that I'd have to wait another week, that was the breaking point for me. After two and a half months, I needed more. I remember telling SaraJean, "I'm going to get a little closer to you. If you want to move back, that's okay. But I'm going to move closer." She didn't move. And so, I moved closer, and we were just a couple inches apart. Then, I …

… I touched my forehead to her forehead.

That was pretty much it. However, after a little while, SaraJean cried. And she needed a moment to herself. I was worried, of course. But then, she came back and gave me a huge hug. It was so huge that I couldn't even hug her back. And then we said goodbye for the day.

The next day, Monday, SaraJean called me and said she wanted to talk, soon. I took this as a good sign, since we had finally broken the ice on being physical, and she had even been the first one to hug me (as opposed to me hugging her).

So SaraJean came to my house that evening, and we walked in the park and talked. We sat on a bench, and she said,

"I want to be just friends."

The first thing that went through my mind was probably, "What?!" After that, it was,"But … we didn't have all 6 dates yet!"


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When I reflect back on that time, it's surprising to me all that's happened since. We had only hugged, and only once. We still had several secrets and shames that we were hiding from each other. We were still living in the shadow of our past relationships and expectations. I guess some things change, but some things stay the same.

That fateful Monday evening, SaraJean was still willing to talk with me, and that was crucial. We realized that just being friends wasn't the only option. What SaraJean really wanted was space to decide, and maybe space to reflect on her past.

From Blue Sabre, Inc.

So, we compromised. Essentially, we decided to play it more by ear. I thought we might not see each other for several weeks, which would have been sad. However, that Friday, we canned peaches together. And I gave SaraJean her special license plate. You may be familiar with these plates (perhaps because I gave one to you =). While each plate is special, SaraJean's really is more special, though it may not be visible in the photo. After all, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Perhaps a child can tell.

In the weeks after, SaraJean and I continued to hang out, perhaps more frequently than either of us expected. We seemed to hang out almost every weekend, unless one of us was out of town. Even in those cases, we would talk on the phone for some time.

One of my favorite memories is this one. This was Sunday, August 12. SaraJean and I had spent a long weekend together, after spending a couple weekdays together at SIGGRAPH. It started with us playing board games with my friends Drew and Elliott. Elliott was visiting from Tokyo! I even squeezed in some babysitting for the special-needs ministry at church. And SaraJean and I spent the night at her place. (Separate beds, Mom! Separate beds!) In the morning, SaraJean made me breakfast in bed.

From SaraJean

I almost cried. I wasn't even sure why, but maybe I know now. When I was a kid, one of my fond memories is making breakfast for my mom on Mother's Day. My dad helped me and my sister. I remember the breakfast tray. And how the light streams into their bedroom in the morning. So, would that be an Oedipus complex? Or, since my dad was the one helping make breakfast, would that be the opposite? If anything, I prefer to think of this as a consensual SaraJean complex. =)

After this, SaraJean and I continued to spend quality time together. We shared about our finances. We watched a screening of the documentary "Half the Sky," about helping oppressed women worldwide. SaraJean was the first person in the world that I shared my most shameful secret with, and she was there when I later shared it with a group of friends from church. We also watched the hit indie documentary, "Searching for Sugar Man," with one of the stars at the theater! (I don't want to say more, because I think the film is best seen without knowing too much about it.)

SaraJean and I never had an official Sixth Date. Instead, it was more like "50 Sixth Dates."

In October, SaraJean and I took a week apart to think about our relationship. She decided she still had to address her past. Also, I still had to find Jesus. We did like each other and were still hopeful about a relationship in the future, so we agreed to be just friends but still spend quality time together. A friend asked me if it's like "friends with benefits"–that's slang for two people being just friends but having sex. If I had to pick a phrase to describe what SaraJean and I decided, I'd say it's like "dating without benefits," except we weren't dating….

The 49th Sixth Date was on a Sunday. We had a nice lunch with some friends from church. Then, SaraJean and I had boba drinks and read "The Little Prince" to each other. It was fun. =)


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A year ago, around Thanksgiving, I was quite a mess. I had become friends with a girl at church, and I started to really like her. I was hoping she might feel the same or at least give me a chance. However, she … deferred. I remember driving home for Thanksgiving, being really, really sad, and I had a stranger in my car from craigslist rideshare. Actually, the stranger was great; I shared all my feelings, and we talked and laughed about girls and guys.

I didn't realize it, but only a month later, SaraJean and I would have our first lunch together with a group from church. It was for someone's birthday, so they took a photo. It's the first photo of SaraJean and I together. Also, one of the guys at that lunch would later tell me, "Geoff, I don't know why you keep looking for someone, when you've got such a nice girl here." And that would be the start of everything. =)

Before SaraJean and I started the "6 Dates," we shared some of our significant life stories. Some would call these "testimonies." We went to a park with a baseball diamond and sat on the bleachers, and I shared about the three big miracles in my life: Minnesota, coin flips, and a donation to a church. But before that, we were at SaraJean's apartment, and she told me her testimony:

"I have a daughter."

SaraJean's daughter is super cute: she has these blond curls that make her look like a six-year-old Taylor Swift. She lives with her adoptive parents in Colorado.

Only recently, I realized that SaraJean may have been really nervous to tell me about her daughter. If she told a stereotypical guy, he might get doubts or think less of her. At best, it might be neutral. However, I was very happy. I was shocked at first, but soon I saw it as a sign of how special SaraJean is, and how I shouldn't judge her so quickly. (I'm not ready to share the specific "sign" yet. However, SaraJean knows. =)

I just wanted to make that point: Sometimes there are things which seem only bad. But in Jesus' upside-down kingdom, those things can actually be good. In fact, those things can be cornerstones.

That reminds me: I should probably clarify one thing I said earlier. ("Just one?!")

It's about Christ. I said I have to find him. But don't I already talk about Jesus a lot? Aren't I already a Christian?

I usually go to church, read the Bible, go to Bible study (aka "small group") and pray. And when I was in high school and college, I called myself a Christian. However, in hindsight, I'm not sure I believed what I said I believed. Or at least, I can't say I believe it now. I did go to a Billy Graham crusade once, and I still have a card that says, "My Decision for Christ," signed November 18, 2004. So maybe I am a Christian. Maybe I will go to heaven and Jesus will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But I'm not sure, so I stopped calling myself a Christian while I sort things out.

I do believe in God. If anything, I've experienced too many miracles to deny that. But is God the god of the Jews? Of the Christians? Of elsewhere? And what about Jesus? Did a man really die for everyone's sins, in a way that appeased God? Do I really believe that? Or do I simply hope it's true?

Why do I mention Jesus so much? Well, I used to talk only to God. I would pray to him and sometimes ask him about Jesus. At one point during the months I've spent with SaraJean, I decided that a good way to get to know someone is to talk to her directly. So now I talk to Jesus every day, as best I can. And since the Christian Jesus is supposed to be the same as God (God's son), I use Jesus' name wherever I would use God's. In a philosophical sense, if Jesus doesn't exist, then I may be talking to no one. Or I may be addressing God by the wrong name, and he might not like that. However, this is the road I'm on, and I'm sticking with it for the time being.


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From San Diego

On Friday morning, November 16, 2012, SaraJean and I had our 50th Sixth Date. (We didn't actually count.) I picked her up, drove her to work, and we chatted in the car. We also had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. We had tried being special friends, but I was unable to be platonic emotionally. SaraJean's feelings had also changed, and she had decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I started sharing about SaraJean and me as a love story with an uncertain ending. I'm sorry it didn't work out. (That's an understatement.)

What will I do now? When I look back, I'm sure I'll realize even more deeply what a wonderful journey it's been, how blessed I was to get to know SaraJean so much, and how much she did for me. But for now, I'll probably just find ways to grieve: I may do a grieving ritual, send SaraJean an email, maybe even write a real letter. I know the nights will be hard for me.

I'll probably talk to Jesus and cry in my room. Then I'll come back and write the last section of a blog post about SaraJean and I. I'll explain that I drove her to work and we had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. I'll be clear that any romantic relationship we had is now over. And I'll frame it as our "50th Sixth Date."