June/July: Teaching at iD Tech; Mr. Riley from high school!

Last summer, I had my first paid job in several years! I was an instructor at iD Tech, a summer camp. You can learn more about iD Tech here. In a nutshell, I would spend 7 weeks at a local college teaching kids and teens, 8–18, about computer programming and game design.

This is "c-jump," a board game about skiing … and computer programming. Only at a tech camp. =) The game is supposed to teach programming and logic, and I thought it was worth a try. But the kids didn't play it much because there were always more exciting options. (This was not just programming class but also summer camp, after all!)

During break times, there was always a physical-activity option, like the kickball game in the background, and a non-physical option, like playing cards while staying in the shade….


Here, I'm moderating a game called "Dictator!" This game was amazing.

Dictator! plays like Mafia/Werewolf/Witch Hunt, with a twist: Rather than vote someone out, the group elects a Dictator, who can then kick someone out. It's a small but profound change. All the kids liked it, young or older. Best of all, Dictator was created by a fellow instructor, Sandman! (Each instructor had a camp nickname.)

While I taught for 7 weeks, each week was a different group of campers. One of the highlights at the end of each week was this. Can you guess what's happening?








It's a pieing! Each week, one lucky camper gets to choose one unlucky instructor. That camper gets to pie the instructor!

Yes, one week even I got pied!






One of my classes. A core feature of iD Tech is no more than 8 students per instructor. This was funny hat/hair day.





Another class. The whiteboard says "Fusion" and "Homulan." That week's class was Multimedia Fusion 2 Developer, and Homulan was my camp name. (It's a play off of Star Trek's "Romulan.") What's neat is that we strived for each camper to create her or his own project/game, in only 5 days! And some campers were only 7 or 8 years old! (Of course, we taught different software to different age groups.)

A third class. Some kids are so good at making funny faces. =) Good times.






My smallest class, with only 4 students. (One had to leave early.)

This was our "tough camper" photo. Don't mess with us! =)

You know, it was tough saying goodbye each week to all the wonderful campers. Fortunately, it seemed like each week another group of wonderful kids and teens would arrive. Still, it could easily be physically or emotionally draining.

This was my first time really teaching. (I had tutored before.) And many weeks I had to learn completely new software/curriculum. By the end of the summer, I had learned and evolved a lot.

I think this was a whiteboard on Friday of my 2nd-to-last week: 3-D Game Design: Role-Playing Games. Each camper learned the Neverwinter Nights 2 engine and used it to make her own RPG module. That was my 2nd time teaching the course, so I actually had a plan. =)

From iD Tech

This is the whiteboard of my last week: Adventures in Game Design. Most of the whiteboard is filled with a giant table, with one column for each of my campers. I made the table because I wanted to track each camper's progress, and I wanted each camper to know her own progress. All things considered, it worked well!

How was my summer-camp teaching experience? Overall, I definitely owe iD Tech a huge "Thank you!!!" I learned a ton, had a lot of fun and I met a lot of people/kids/teens. The pay is good––for a college kid (many instructors are still in college or just graduated).

Though I had never taught a class before, I've always been interested in "education." And some have suggested I'd make a good teacher, perhaps in high school or college. While I feel more drawn to educating via making apps, I'm glad I got to try teaching. And I definitely learned a few things.

It a bit of a sad twist, later last year I took an online course on "How to Learn/Teach Math," and that was even more eye-opening. I really wish I had taken the course before iD Tech, as it would've made me an even better teacher. Oh well, I can still apply the lessons to my apps! (Tip: A "growth" mindset is much better than a "fixed" mindset.)

From Mr. Riley

Finally, I had an improbable occurrence while teaching. iD Tech camps are always at colleges and universities, which is cool because the campers get a little taste of dorm/college life. While eating in the college cafeteria, I saw a familiar-looking older gentleman at another table. I went over and, sure enough, it was Mr. Riley!!

Mr. Riley was a science teacher at my high school. He also ran the "Chess and Games Club," which was my home at school. Whatever day was "Chess and Games" day was the best day of the week.

What was Mr. Riley doing in a college cafeteria almost 20 years later? He was taking a teacher-training course because he was going to teach one last time at another school, for his granddaughter. Isn't that sweet?

I spent many hours each week, for four years, in the "Chess and Games" club with Mr. Riley. But only at that brief meal in the cafeteria did I really get to talk to him as one adult to another.

It's improbable events like that that help me know I was where I was supposed to be. On the other hand, maybe I wasn't supposed to be there, and God was just being gracious. Hmm…. Either way, I'll take it. =)

June/July/August: Grandma has visitors! (Paul, Muriel, Adrienne)

Grandma had visitors! Grandma loved visitors.

In June, two of my mom's siblings were in town to visit Grandma: Auntie Muriel from Fresno, and Uncle Paul from Seattle. I honestly don't remember where Mom was that day; I think she had a college reunion. And I don't recall why Uncle Paul was there. But it was all good.

Earlier that day, Grandma was a bit sleepy. But gosh, this photo is so precious. Grandma fell asleep reading. See her glasses? And what was she reading? "Our Daily Bread," a Christian devotional. Also, Grandma's little pinky was strong enough to hold up her entire arm!

From Grandma, dim sum

We all went to dim sum. Left to right: Auntie Muriel, Grandma, me, Uncle Paul.

Yay!






In August, Grandma had another visitor: my cousin Adrienne. Adrienne and I aren't related by blood (she's blond, naturally), but she married my cousin Daryl, on my dad's side. They live in Texas, but Adrienne and some of her kids were on a road trip to visit relatives. I thought Adrienne might just drop by for lunch, but she stayed for hours … just talking to Grandma! I don't think they had even met before.

From Adrienne's visit

I'm trying to remember how this photo was taken. I think Adrienne is playing a ukulele that her grandsons Chris and Brian gave her. We mentioned something about Grandma trying to learn the ukulele, and Adrienne said that she had taken it up semi-seriously. Then, in one of those watershed moments, Adrienne said something about playing a song for Grandma. Adrienne was able to look up a ukulele tuner and sheet music for a song on her iPad.

The song was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World," a mashup of two classics made famous by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. Actually, I first heard of this song because I was in a car going to Yosemite, and this really cute girl mentioned the song as being in the show "ER" when Dr. Green dies, and it just made for a really heartfelt scene.

Anyway, I knew the song a little, so Adrienne played and sang, and I turned the "pages" of her iPad and sang along as best I could. And I set my iPad to record it (below).

May: Grandma on the Porch, Relaxing

Oh my. I've been a hypocrite again. I said I would update more again, and I didn't. Sorry.

Let's try something new. I usually take my time writing–and rewriting–what I say in my blog, and what photos I show or don't show. Overall, quality beats quantity most times. We remember quality. Quality lasts. (Digression: In prototyping, apparently quantity can be more productive. Especially being forced to make multiple prototypes in parallel to come up with new ideas. I learned that in a Coursera course on design.)

Anyway, I'm going to try more stream-of-consciousness for a few posts to try to catch up. Besides, that will show you another side to me.

We left off in May 2013.

From Grandma, porch

I took this photo of Grandma on our back porch. She's looking at a map of Africa, because that's where Mary was (or was going?).

So inquisitive.

Grandma…

From Relaxing

Mary took this photo of me in our living room. I was just relaxing in my jammies. So sneaky, sis! But actually, it's a good representation of how I am sometimes.

And that red-and-black-checkered shirt? My dad used to wear one like that.

May: Hand Print

From Hand print

What's this photo of?

It's my hand print from when I was 7.

Here's the question I really want to answer:

Why do I have a photo of my hand print?

The answer is not, "I took it to put in my blog."

So:

When I was in graduate school, I had a lot of stuff. Much of it was "just in case" or "for later," like my extra VCR or a book from Japan. (I can't read Japanese, yet.) One reason I kept a lot was the philosophy, "Why not? It can't hurt to have it around."

Then one day, for some reason I forget, I had an epiphany: Having a lot of stuff can hurt. In fact, it was draining my energy. For example, if I had a book on my shelf that I hadn't read, I'd always see it and be annoyed. It might be just a little frustration, and mostly subconscious, but that stuff has a way of adding up. Like termites eating a house.

So when I was about to graduate and move home, I did a 180-degree turn: Instead of trying to squeeze everything into my car, I started giving stuff away.

Suddenly, I had switched from packrat to minimalist. I felt a lot better, and I would even brag that I could fit everything I owned into the trunk of my car. I moved from San Francisco to Seattle to Los Angeles that way.

However, I actually still had a lot of stuff. Back in my old home in Sacramento, all my belongings from childhood, high school and college were still there. Maybe Mom should've forced me to move everything out, but she didn't. And now that I've moved back home, it's time to downsize again.

I downsize by asking different questions. For example:

"If there were a fire in our house and this item burned, would I be heartbroken?"

"If I were moving again, would I take this with me? What if I were moving to Africa?"

"Do I really want this object, or will a photo of it suffice?"

And that's why I have a photo of my hand print: The hand print was clay, and I kept it on a shelf in my room for almost 30 years. Neat, right? However, I knew that, if the clay broke, I'd be sad for a moment, then I'd get over it. So one day, back in May, I took the print of clay, sat with it to play, then went to the garbage and threw it away.

But first, I took a nice photo of it.

"Just in case."

April/May: Picnic Day, The Other Side and Car Maintenance

Some highlights from April and May this year:

April 26 was Picnic Day! Picnic Day is an annual event at UC Davis. It's a family-friendly open house of the entire university. Every department plans fun activities and demonstrations, from the English department to Entymology (insects).

Here, my friend Steph pretends to be a cockroach.

I grew up in Sacramento, and Picnic Day has happened every year for about a century. However, this was basically my first time going. It was so much fun! There are literally hundreds of things to see and do, and I honestly enjoyed every single one. In fact, the only sad thing about Picnic Day is that you have only one day to do everything, and you can't do everything. It would be like having a one-day pass to heaven: great, but not nearly enough time to see your loved ones.

From Picnic Day

The physics department had cool science demos. As a former scientist, I was a little jaded and didn't think these "kid" demos would be interesting to me. I was wrong. Each one was awesome! Here, I'm holding two phone books that have had their pages interleaved. (Some poor grad student probably had that job.) The idea is to try to pull the phone books apart: It's practically impossible! The TV show MythBusters actually showed this. (Click here for more info.)

I should have taken more photos. Two especially funny things we saw: a horse (artificial) insemination, and the Battle of the Bands with my cousin Beth. The former I won't try to describe in words, and the latter is eight hours of college marching bands duking it out. I wish I could just sit under a tree, bring a Nintendo DS, and just play video games for hours while listening to them.

Thank you, UC Davis! I look forward to next year's Picnic Day!

From The other side

May 2: Here is a photo of the Sacramento River from my car. And the person in the photo? Auntie Muriel. Seems ordinary enough. But I love this photo, because it's taken from the other side of the river.

You see, I'm now living again in the house I grew up in. And it's close to a park with a levee along the Sacramento River. I'd been to that part of the river, right next to the park, dozens of times. And each time, I'd look across the river and see the levee on the other side and wonder what was there. Sometimes I'd see people fishing. Sometimes I'd imagine making a raft, Tom Sawyer-style, and crossing the river. Or just jumping in and trying to swim it. (FYI, that's a bad idea. People have drowned in the river that way.) But I never went to the other side. I didn't know how to get there, and I didn't really pursue it.

Then one day I looked on Google Maps. And I realized that it was a relatively short drive to get to the bridge that would let you cross the river. Auntie Muriel was helping take care of Grandma that day, so the three of us got in the car and headed out for an adventure.

We had a quiet but scenic drive. As I learned in Minnesota, there's nothing like a river road. =) We crossed the river, worked our way back up, and eventually came to the part I was looking for: Where I could see across the river to the park I always visited. There are some concrete steps there, and it was like I could see myself on them, like I was looking across time back at myself. It was surreal and awesome.

In hindsight, I feel silly that it took me 20 years of driving to finally get to the other side. Then again, I've always been a late bloomer. =) And that chicken joke? I appreciate it a lot more now.

From Car maintenance

May 19: My friend Joe helped fix my car. Actually, we were just doing routine maintenance. I took this photo for two reasons.

One, I like the way the four circles are arranged. (They're a tire, a hubcap, the underside of a hubcap, and the air-compressor cable rolled up. Totally by accident!)

Two, I've had my car since 2006; bought it new. I'm not really into cars, and I can't stand how much people pay for them or try to make the outside shiny when it's a tool meant to be exposed to the elements. However, for the maintenance, we jacked my car up and had all four tires off at one time. My car looked so helpless, and I felt so bad for it! My baby!

4 months later: updates coming!

My last post was at the start of May. Since then, there have been several times when I've meant to write, but somehow I didn't. But now I'm back. =)

In this post, I'll give a quick update of the big questions you may have had since May. Soon after, I'll post again to update in more detail, chronologically.

In May, Grandma entered hospice care. She's my last grandparent. Thankfully, she's still alive. Today, Mary and Mom took her to the Sacramento Zoo.




Over the summer, Mary took a 50-day trip to Africa! Since then, she's mostly moved back home to help take care of Mom and Grandma.

(Yes, I believe that's my sister with a lion. In this case, I agree my sister is more fearless than I.)

From iD Tech

I'm still not employed. However, I had a 7-week summer job with iD Tech Camps. I taught kids and teens about game design. Besides that, I'm still working on my own iPhone and iPad apps. I may also try to get a part-time job. (Full-time may be a stretch with taking care of Grandma, but we'll see.)

From Build Pizzeria

For fun, I mostly hang out with old high-school friends. We play board games and video games, go out to eat, and, once in a while, I even drink a beer. =)

(Actually, what's strangely fun for me is being productive. Meaningfully productive.)

From Relaxing

I'm still single. For a few months, I was purposely not open to dating anyone else. Now I'm more open to going on dates, but I need to be careful with my finances. Thankfully, I feel pretty content and secure.


I still pray and read the Bible each day. But I don't go to church in the same way. I usually go to church, but I've been wary of connecting there. (For example, by volunteering or by joining a Bible study group.)

So, that's my update. I hope that answers the big questions: family, job/money, friends, fun, relationships, faith, feelings. Well, maybe I'll expound a little more on the last few:

Ever heard of a MOOC? It stands for "Massive Open Online Course." Basically, you can go to a website like Coursera or Stanford Online, and there you can take college-level courses for free! It's a fascinating future for learning.

I started taking a MOOC called "How to Learn Math." It's really about "How to Teach Math" so that people don't get traumatized by math. (It happens!) Anyway, the course has taught me more than just math or how to teach …

The instructor, Jo Boaler, spoke about the importance of not just what we teach or how we teach. She spoke about the importance of one's mindset, i.e., attitude. For example, do you tend to have an attitude that people are fixed, or that people can grow? Is a person (like yourself) simply good or bad at math? Or can a person grow and become better—even truly great—at math? Jo said the former attitude is called a "fixed mindset." To put it bluntly, a fixed mindset is bad. It leads one to hate to fail, to fear failure, and to avoid challenging work. The latter attitude is called a "growth mindset." A growth mindset is good. It leads one to be persistent, to learn from mistakes, and to be encouraged by other people's success.

What's interesting is that the question isn't which attitude is correct or right. The bottom line is that a person with a fixed mindset will tend to stay fixed, and a person with a growth mindset will tend to grow. They are both self-fulfilling prophecies. However, wouldn't we all rather grow?

So I've been thinking about that recently: "Don't be afraid to try. To fail. It's okay to challenge oneself."

Earlier, I said I'll try to get a part-time job. I'll be applying to a Grocery Outlet opening near me. I'm not afraid of getting a job that doesn't fit me, of being grossly underpaid for my educational level, of doing manual labor, or even of being rejected for being overqualified (or too old, or not having enough real work experience). It might be awesome! Either way, I'll learn.

On the other hand, I haven't asked any girls out lately, nor signed up for anything like eHarmony. I'm not afraid of people. However, I'm a little afraid of spending money I don't have, or asking a girl out while trying to explain that I can afford to do only certain things, like jogging. Or maybe I am simply afraid of something else?

And then there's church. Why don't I get more involved at church? Am I afraid of being hurt? Being misled? Being misjudged? Here, I don't think "fear" is the right word. I don't fear the church, the people in it or them getting to know me or vice versa. A better word is "faith." I simply don't have faith in "church" anymore: Faith that the people in church are any better, or more loving, or good to be with, or more generous than any random person outside of church.

I guess I'm learning to treat people one at a time, independent of where I meet them, or who they say they are. Actually, I feel pretty good about that.

Next time: Random things I did in April/May. They'll be nice, I promise!

Unfailing love. Unconditional love.

I started this blog as a way to update friends and family on what I'm up to. So, a given blog post is about the here and now.

What's funny to me is that I feel priority should be given to stories that are not here and not now. Several years ago, after my dad died, the remaining members of my family (my mom, my sister and I) started "storytime." Each week, one of us would share a story about our lives. The caveat was that the stories should be at least one year old. I felt that if you still remembered it a year later, then it clearly had an impact on you. As we were all living apart at the time, we did storytime via email. The plus is that all the stories are hidden somewhere in Gmail, so we can look them up later.

This week, my grandma entered hospice care. "Hospice care" usually means the doctors think a person has less than six months to live.

From Ms. Green

Last week, Grandma had a visitor from Seattle! Her name is Ms. Green. Here, we are eating dim sum! The restaurant is called Hong Kong Islander (on Freeport Blvd).

Ms. Green helped care for Grandma while Mom went to her college reunion.

I first met Ms. Green about five years ago, when I moved to Seattle. Grandma wanted to visit the Puyallup Fair, and thankfully Ms. Green came and pushed Grandma all over. Three years ago, Ms. Green helped me take Grandma and another of Grandma's friends to Kingston. Fond memories.

Grandma is 94 years old. Early this morning, Grandma was having such trouble breathing that I thought she might be in a coma. Thankfully, I was wrong. It's hard to believe that only a couple months ago Grandma could walk outside. Three years ago we were driving all over Seattle. And five years ago, we went to Israel together!

From Geoff and Natalie

On the flipside, here is a photo of me and baby Natalie. It's such a nice photo, I had to include it. =)

Natalie will be 1 year old just before Grandma turns 95. Thanks to Baby Natalie, I can say that I've officially changed a diaper!

I titled this post, "Unfailing love. Unconditional love." I was reading the book of Hosea today. Hosea 10:12 says,

Sow righteousness for yourselves,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes
and showers his righteousness on you.

I was struck by that phrase, "unfailing love." The author (who may be God) could have said, "reap the fruit of love." But maybe he knew that wasn't good enough. Maybe he had experienced much failing love. We all can tell a story like that, right?

"Unconditional love" is something I've always associated with Jesus. If you read the Bible, you'll see that he was very good at loving people that others had excuses for not loving. We all can tell a story about conditional love, too, right?

With Grandma perhaps nearing the end of this life, and Natalie just starting hers, it's easy to think fondly about them. It's easy to think we'll have love that never fails. Love that is never contractual. But do we really love everyone that way? I don't. I forget that <enter unloved person here> was once a helpless baby. I forget that <enter unloved person here> will someday be helpless before the end of life, hopefully about to go to heaven.

Today, I pray that I will be more generous in love.

Two months in Sacramento

Wow, it's been two months since I moved back to Sac! Just for fun, I'll update in reverse time.

I just came back from two weeks in the San Francisco Bay Area. A week was spent at the Game Developers Conference (GDC). The rest of the time was spent catching up with old friends and co-workers. Now that I look back on the trip, I really saw quite a few people from various circles in my life. Some readers might know them, so I'll list them briefly: Genentech, former Genentech (Melissa Ma, Lawrence Hon, Svetlana Pidasheva), GDC CAs not attending this year (Xander, Nur, Eric Tang), Auntie Helen, Mayo lab (Jonathan Lassila), Cal (Blisseth Sy), Avery House (Jim Pugh, Joseph Koo, Habib Ahmad), GrX (Sarah Castonguay), JFK (Aaron Lum).

From Habib

This is Habib. We were both grad students in Avery House. We went to Vegas together. And Yosemite. I think we even liked the same … hmm, maybe he doesn't want me to talk about that. =)

Anyway, Habib is now working hard at Bosch. His wife is very friendly, his son is super-cute, and his garden is looking snazzy. Habib took me to a wonderful Pakistani hole-in-the-wall in Fremont. So good.

From Korean BBQ

This is Aaron. We were one year apart in high school, but we rarely hung out. What's funny is that we share a lot of similar interests: video games, board games, anime. Somehow, we re-connected when I was living in Daly City. Aaron and his girlfriend Tamiko let me stay with them during the GDC. Of course, I owed them a dinner.

We went to another hole-in-the-wall with great food: this time, Korean BBQ! This place was special: if you look closely at the photo, you'll see charcoal! Aaron kept saying our clothes would smell of smoke for a week. I didn't take him seriously. Besides, they really smelled only for 5 days.

The GDC was fun but went by oh-so-quickly. I was a volunteer again, along with 430 others. (The entire GDC is ~24,000 attendees.) Surprisingly, by the end of the week I knew almost every volunteer at least by name and face. While I consider all the volunteers as part of my second family, some are especially dear friends.

Here's my official photo from the GDC. Each volunteer has one. I like these photos because they're done with professional lighting (remote flashes, umbrellas, etc.). On the down side, it makes me more aware of my physical imperfections. For example: My left eyelid is lower than my right, and my hairline isn't symmetrical. I think my ears don't line up with my sideburns, either. Thankfully, I'm past the age when those things really bother me. I think. =)

And here's my official 1980s photo. =) They had a photo booth with people to help style you. Thank you to Deb and the others at iam8bit! I actually took two other 80s photos, but I like this one best.

A lot of my friends took photos, too. You can see them all by clicking on this Flickr link. I suppose it really helps if you recognize the people in the photos, but I crack up every time I look at them.

From GDC 2013

This is me at the Oculus VR booth at the GDC. I'm wearing a special Virtual-Reality headset called the Oculus Rift. It's still in the developmental stages, but it's amazing. Not just cool, but *amazing.* I could talk forever about it, but you can Google it. The official site is at this link.

Okay! Back to my Sacramento life.

From Beth reading

One nice thing about going home is that I get to see my cousin Beth before she moves (down to LA, alas). I have a lot of cousins, and Beth and I didn't meet until a year or so ago. Here, we're studying together at a Starbucks where my friend Mitch works. I took this photo because I was struck by how intently Beth was reading. It wasn't bad news; I think Beth is simply very thoughtful.

Of course, the biggest thing about being home is living with my mom again. We tried this 7 years ago, and there was a fair amount of drama. I vote for less drama this time.

From Mom at Panera

To that end, I'm trying to help out a little more (washing dishes, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, etc.). I think Mom and I are also trying to talk to each other more and listen more. We also have regular lunches (~bi-weekly) together, going Dutch. Here's my mom at Panera!

And then there's my grandma. In some ways, that's the highest priority, because she's 94. On the other hand, I feel Grandma lives a very peaceful life. By that, I mean Grandma always seems at peace. Even when she's nagging me. =)

Here's Mom and Grandma at breakfast. I should note that Mom has lovingly been cooking and preparing nutritious meals for Grandma and I each day.

From Mom and Grandma

Grandma and I have done a little walking together. It takes awhile for her to get to just the end of the block. Sometimes I have to push her. But once, she managed to do it on her own. =)

From Grandma

Grandma and I live on opposite ends of a long hallway. I don't spend much time looking down the hallway, but one time I saw Grandma sitting at her bed, reading. And because she's 94, she really didn't notice me. It was kind of cool, having this light and life at the other end of the dark tunnel. I want to say it was almost romantic, but obviously this is my grandma, so let's just say I have poor diction. Maybe it made me think of someone else.

I tried to have a normal conversation with Grandma across that hallway … but it was too far, and Grandma's hearing isn't that great. So the experience was also a bit melancholy. Nevertheless, just thinking about it was fun. =)

I'll close with a video. It's of Grandma walking down the block, for 10 minutes. Sounds exciting, right?

Grandma's Walk

Actually, I don't expect you to watch the video. At least now. Shucks, if I hadn't made the video, I wouldn't want to watch 10 minutes of Grandma walking, either.

But maybe you miss Grandma. Or you will. When that happens, come back here. This video should still be waiting.

I hope it will give you a fond memory of her. =)

I read an article about a very serious trial …

I am now back in Sacramento! I meant to post earlier and to start "from the center, out" to share about my new life here. That might mean a photo of Mom, a photo of Grandma, and a little about my room. However, I've always had something to do since I arrived, and posting on this blog went to the back burner.

Last week, I read a news article about a very serious trial occurring in New York City. And today, I realized that writing something about that trial is a high priority for me.

But first, here is at least a photo of Grandma:

From Grandma

If you ever have the privilege of meeting her, you can call her Grandma Fong. =) She's 94. Here, Grandma Fong and I are about to enjoy a relaxing lunch at Jack-in-the-Box.

Disclaimer: Below, I will be talking about a very serious criminal trial. The details are all from publicly-available sources from Google News, mostly The New York Times, and there will be no photos. That said, I can imagine some people thinking, "Wow, I wish I hadn't read about that." I don't know how to tell whether that's you or not. I suppose you could pray about it. I will say this is a real trial with real people.



Today was Communion Sunday. Communion is for honoring the sacrifice of Jesus. At church, they chose this day to start a $1.5-million, 3-year capital campaign. I don't know if that's good or bad. For my part, I was mostly thinking about the trial I had read about.

The headline that first caught my eye was "Defense in Cannibal Case Focuses on the Line Between Intent and Fantasy."

There is a man named Gilberto Valle. Gilberto is 28 years old. He is a New York City police officer with a wife and an infant daughter.

Gilberto is on trial, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. He is charged with plotting on the Internet to kidnap, rape, kill and cannibalize female victims. Gilberto's wife turned him in, before she fled to another state with their child. She had discovered that Gilberto visited fetish Web sites: the first thing she saw on one was a picture of a dead girl. Later, she found that Gilberto had been chatting on the Internet about plans to torture and kill women, including herself.

Gilberto has admitted that he's had a cannibalism fetish for several years. He also has admitted visiting certain fetish Web sites. Most importantly, Gilberto has acknowledged having Internet chats about kidnapping, torturing, killing and eating real women. (Some portions of the chats are quoted in the news articles, and they were definitely disturbing to me.)

To be clear, no one has found any evidence that Gilberto has actually kidnapped, raped, killed or cannibalized anyone. And "none of the women who prosecutors say [Gilberto] singled out were kidnapped or harmed."

The prosecution claims that Gilberto "had been plotting real crimes to kill actual victims," while the defense claims that Gilberto "had merely been living out deviant fantasies in Internet chat rooms, with no intention of carrying them out."


At this point, your brain may be swirling with questions, and emotions.

One question: When does a fantasized crime become an actual crime?

Another: How deep are our principles about the freedom to think, the freedom to say, the freedom to write even the darkest thoughts from our human imagination?

Practically, we have this question: Should Gilberto go to prison and be isolated from the rest of society, or should he be as free in society as most everyone else?


The above are legal questions. They are important, but they are legal. The reason I wanted to write this post is because of human questions.

Would it be a tragedy if Gilberto actually carried out any of the plans he discussed in his Internet chats? (Yes.)

Has the revelation of Gilberto's Internet chats done emotional harm to his wife and the other women mentioned in the chats? (Yes. Though presumably Gilberto never intended for his wife or the other women to know.)

Do you think Gilberto chose this fetish? Do you think he made a conscious decision to like this sort of thing?

Does Jesus love Gilberto? Does Jesus love Gilberto as much as he loves your children, your significant other and your best friend?

In Jesus' eyes, are we better than Gilberto? Are we more deserving of Jesus' love? If Gilberto actually had committed the crimes described in his Internet chats, would that change the answers?

In this trial, who is probably hurting the most right now? I'd say Gilberto's wife, the women involved in the case, and Gilberto. Of all these, who probably feels the most hated, the most abandoned and the most unloved right now?

When reading an article on the Internet, half the fascination is not the article but the comments from other readers. (I don't think The New York Times articles have any comments, but other news outlets do.) But as I read the comments, I became very sad. Many people seemed to treat Gilberto like he was worse than dirt. They hoped he would be put in prison … and violated and killed in prison. Some felt Gilberto hadn't committed a crime, but they still wanted him shipped off to Siberia with other deviants. There was just this feeling of overwhelming belittlement and contempt.

And then I realized, this trial is not just about whether Gilberto is found guilty or innocent, whether he goes to jail or not. I'm not on the jury; I don't know all the evidence and all the arguments. But I do know this: Gilberto's life is in many ways over. Imagine Gilberto goes free: what will he do? He's lost his wife, child and job. How many friends will he have? What will his family think? Some people will probably be outraged, and Gilberto will receive death threats (or even real threats acted out). Who will ever hire him? Rent to him? Date him? Talk to him? Who will ever love or care for him?

This trial has probably wounded a lot of people: all the women involved, all the people in Gilberto's life. But most or all of those people are probably receiving extra loving attention: except Gilberto. Especially when I consider all the negative energy and negative thoughts that must be directed at him every day.

Some time ago, I made a commitment to follow a man the best way I knew how: One day at a time, doing what I think he wants me to do. Many times, that means doing what he would do, what he did by example. One of those things he did was to love the unloved, unconditionally.

So, here I'm taking a stand:

Gilberto Valle, I care about you. As a brother in humanity, as a human being, I care about you. Even if they convict you, I care about you. Even if you did commit some horrendous crime in reality, I care about you. Even if you go free but never get over your fetish, I care about you. Even if you mess up in the future and do something terrible, I still care about you. Even if people hate me because I care, I still care about you.

What do love and care look like in this case? Honestly, I don't quite know, which is partly why I'm writing. Sometimes caring is helping someone out, and sometimes caring is not enabling someone. But I think the following are good, small steps: Gilberto Valle, I'm saying I care for you. Gilberto, I will pray for you. Gilberto, I hope for the best for you. Gilberto, I pray that you spend an eternity in joy, in heaven.

As I mentioned above, I started writing this post on Communion Sunday. Communion celebrates Jesus' sacrifice for us and his victory over evil forces. That last part is not Jesus fighting "evil people" or even "people who have evil thoughts." In fact, from Jesus' perspective, we have all been evil, but Jesus cared for and still cares for every single person, unconditionally.

Ephesians 6:12: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Romans 5:8–10: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us … when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son."

Is Jesus stronger than Gilberto's sin? Is Jesus stronger than Gilberto's fetish?

Ah, it's been a long post, and I'm tired. This isn't supposed to be a perfect post, or a complete statement. But I feel it's really important to say something, to stand up for people no matter what they've done. I definitely want the women in Gilberto's life to be cared for as much as Gilberto, and right now, that doesn't seem to be an issue. 

I've implied this post is about more than whether Gilberto goes to jail. It's also about more than Gilberto. As this is my blog, it's of course about me. And you. 

The stand I'm taking for Gilberto is a stand I want to take for any of you, whenever you feel unloved. And me writing this is my way of letting you or anyone else hold me accountable. Five years from now—or tomorrow—if I'm not loving you unconditionally, I want you to call me on it. Show me this post, and remind me of what I signed up for. Remind me of what really matters.

I'm taking this stand, too, as I write this, as much as I know how:

I care about you. No matter what you did, I care about you. No matter what happens or what you do in the future, I care about you. No matter what others say or do to me because of you, I care about you. I care about you unconditionally.

Moving on … to Sacramento

It's time for a change. On several levels.

Last time, I shared about my relationship with SaraJean. We still keep in touch, but … I wanted to share one final video about her. We were at an Asian buffet, and they served snails. (I.e., escargo-ish.) We both tried the snails, filming each other's reaction.

It's a fun video. But what I like best is that it reminds me of after. We were driving home, and we were running a bit late. That happened often, which is funny to me since SaraJean didn't mind being late as much as I, but her schedule was always why we needed to get somewhere by a certain time. I guess I felt selfish making her later just to spend time with her.

Anyway, we were running late, but we started talking about the "Chinese fire drill." That's where, at a stop light, everyone gets out of the car and switches seats. (It's a terrible name, I know.) I didn't feel it was very nice to do the drill at a real stop light, so I pulled into a parking lot and we ran around my car there. There was a little more to it, but anyway, it was a happy, spontaneous moment for us.

So this blog may be changing. I'll still talk about personal, fun stuff. Here's one: Over Christmas in Sacramento, I went to a gingerbread-house competition. It was epic!

As you can see, these weren't normal gingerbread houses. My team worked on the one in the bottom-right (it's a mountain covered in snow). The one in the bottom-left was the winner. It may not look like much, but it actually tells the biblical story of the 10 Plagues of Egypt.

This blog will also continue to talk about personal, more-serious stuff. Below is the cover of my 2012 Christmas card. It included an honest reflection of my past year.

If anyone didn't receive the card, you can contact me. I can send you a PDF version, and I still have one or two physical cards left. If you want one of the latter, let me know by leaving a comment at the end of this post, and I'll mail one to you.

Also on a personal note, I will be moving to Sacramento soon. As in tomorrow. =) Actually, this wasn't a rush move, as I've spent the past month letting people know and saying goodbye. Yet it still hasn't sunk in. I suppose as I'm packing my car and driving away for the last time, it'll hit me. So be it.

What will I do in Sac? I'm moving back home with my mom and grandma. I don't have a job lined up yet, but I'll be looking for work in computer programming. That will include both freelance work and making my own "apps."

Talking about work will be a new thing for this blog. I really don't see why life can't be more integrated, and this blog is supposed to be about the important things in my entire life. So I'll be mentioning things I'm working on. Here's a teaser:

Lastly, this blog may continue to throw in some reflection/philosophy. I'm wary of preaching/moralizing, so feel free to push back. Let's end with some questions I won't try to answer here. =)

Imagine a messed-up person. However you would define it, imagine that, plus more. Maybe they killed someone, or several people. Maybe they're a pervert. Maybe they're addicted to heroin and lie and steal to get what they need. Maybe they believe deeply in something that you think is ridiculous.

Now imagine you could love that person. Imagine you could love that person, as they are, while they are still messed up. Would that be good? Or would it be better to not love that person, until they are less messed-up?

What would you loving a messed-up person look like?  

What would you not loving a messed-up person look like?

Have you ever thought you were loving someone, when really you weren't?

Have you ever thought you weren't loving someone, when really you were?

50 Sixth Dates (with SaraJean)

Have you ever seen the movie, "50 First Dates"? It's a romantic comedy from 2004, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The premise is that Adam Sandler likes Drew Barrymore, but she has amnesia. Thus, they end up going on many "first dates." I haven't seen the movie, but the title reminded me of my relationship with SaraJean.

Date 5 was July 14, 2012: "The Hobbit." Back in early May, our plan was to have 6 "official" dates. After that, SaraJean and I would talk about having a deeper relationship. Also, after Date 1, we agreed to have a no-touching boundary until the end of the 6 dates. So far, we had kept that rule, not even holding hands or hugging. In fact, one time SaraJean hurt her foot and needed a band-aid, and I wasn't sure if it was okay to help her put it on. (FYI, it wasn't a question of her needing help, as she can probably do that better on her own anyway. However, she would have been okay with me helping.)

We planned to have Date 6 the next weekend. During that week, a few things happened:

–I secretly looked into getting SaraJean a custom mini-license plate (i.e., a nameplate). I've done this before for friends, but this one would be special.
–I visited SaraJean one evening, and I had some hard apple cider and we watched the anime, "Maison Ikkoku."
–I secretly looked into taking SaraJean to the SIGGRAPH computer-graphics conference. I thought she might enjoy it, and I know she likes good surprises.
–SaraJean sent me a long email, discussing her feelings (and doubts) about us so far.

That last part was a little scary, as it was the first time SaraJean had put into writing any doubts about us. However, it was also good. It gave me time to really think about what she said and to understand her point of view, and it gave me time to think about how I really felt.

From Huntington

SaraJean and I spent most of that weekend together. We met a new friend, Miriam, and walked around the Huntington Gardens with her. SaraJean and I talked about the things she brought up in her email. However, we never seemed to find the time to do a proper "Date 6."

Then, that Sunday, something very important happened. I finally wasn't able to resist being physical with SaraJean. What happened was that we were both in my room, talking. Obviously, that's a recipe for temptation, but it was something we had done before. We both clearly wanted to be closer, on some level. I suppose when I realized we weren't going to have Date 6 that weekend, and that I'd have to wait another week, that was the breaking point for me. After two and a half months, I needed more. I remember telling SaraJean, "I'm going to get a little closer to you. If you want to move back, that's okay. But I'm going to move closer." She didn't move. And so, I moved closer, and we were just a couple inches apart. Then, I …

… I touched my forehead to her forehead.

That was pretty much it. However, after a little while, SaraJean cried. And she needed a moment to herself. I was worried, of course. But then, she came back and gave me a huge hug. It was so huge that I couldn't even hug her back. And then we said goodbye for the day.

The next day, Monday, SaraJean called me and said she wanted to talk, soon. I took this as a good sign, since we had finally broken the ice on being physical, and she had even been the first one to hug me (as opposed to me hugging her).

So SaraJean came to my house that evening, and we walked in the park and talked. We sat on a bench, and she said,

"I want to be just friends."

The first thing that went through my mind was probably, "What?!" After that, it was,"But … we didn't have all 6 dates yet!"


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When I reflect back on that time, it's surprising to me all that's happened since. We had only hugged, and only once. We still had several secrets and shames that we were hiding from each other. We were still living in the shadow of our past relationships and expectations. I guess some things change, but some things stay the same.

That fateful Monday evening, SaraJean was still willing to talk with me, and that was crucial. We realized that just being friends wasn't the only option. What SaraJean really wanted was space to decide, and maybe space to reflect on her past.

From Blue Sabre, Inc.

So, we compromised. Essentially, we decided to play it more by ear. I thought we might not see each other for several weeks, which would have been sad. However, that Friday, we canned peaches together. And I gave SaraJean her special license plate. You may be familiar with these plates (perhaps because I gave one to you =). While each plate is special, SaraJean's really is more special, though it may not be visible in the photo. After all, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Perhaps a child can tell.

In the weeks after, SaraJean and I continued to hang out, perhaps more frequently than either of us expected. We seemed to hang out almost every weekend, unless one of us was out of town. Even in those cases, we would talk on the phone for some time.

One of my favorite memories is this one. This was Sunday, August 12. SaraJean and I had spent a long weekend together, after spending a couple weekdays together at SIGGRAPH. It started with us playing board games with my friends Drew and Elliott. Elliott was visiting from Tokyo! I even squeezed in some babysitting for the special-needs ministry at church. And SaraJean and I spent the night at her place. (Separate beds, Mom! Separate beds!) In the morning, SaraJean made me breakfast in bed.

From SaraJean

I almost cried. I wasn't even sure why, but maybe I know now. When I was a kid, one of my fond memories is making breakfast for my mom on Mother's Day. My dad helped me and my sister. I remember the breakfast tray. And how the light streams into their bedroom in the morning. So, would that be an Oedipus complex? Or, since my dad was the one helping make breakfast, would that be the opposite? If anything, I prefer to think of this as a consensual SaraJean complex. =)

After this, SaraJean and I continued to spend quality time together. We shared about our finances. We watched a screening of the documentary "Half the Sky," about helping oppressed women worldwide. SaraJean was the first person in the world that I shared my most shameful secret with, and she was there when I later shared it with a group of friends from church. We also watched the hit indie documentary, "Searching for Sugar Man," with one of the stars at the theater! (I don't want to say more, because I think the film is best seen without knowing too much about it.)

SaraJean and I never had an official Sixth Date. Instead, it was more like "50 Sixth Dates."

In October, SaraJean and I took a week apart to think about our relationship. She decided she still had to address her past. Also, I still had to find Jesus. We did like each other and were still hopeful about a relationship in the future, so we agreed to be just friends but still spend quality time together. A friend asked me if it's like "friends with benefits"–that's slang for two people being just friends but having sex. If I had to pick a phrase to describe what SaraJean and I decided, I'd say it's like "dating without benefits," except we weren't dating….

The 49th Sixth Date was on a Sunday. We had a nice lunch with some friends from church. Then, SaraJean and I had boba drinks and read "The Little Prince" to each other. It was fun. =)


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A year ago, around Thanksgiving, I was quite a mess. I had become friends with a girl at church, and I started to really like her. I was hoping she might feel the same or at least give me a chance. However, she … deferred. I remember driving home for Thanksgiving, being really, really sad, and I had a stranger in my car from craigslist rideshare. Actually, the stranger was great; I shared all my feelings, and we talked and laughed about girls and guys.

I didn't realize it, but only a month later, SaraJean and I would have our first lunch together with a group from church. It was for someone's birthday, so they took a photo. It's the first photo of SaraJean and I together. Also, one of the guys at that lunch would later tell me, "Geoff, I don't know why you keep looking for someone, when you've got such a nice girl here." And that would be the start of everything. =)

Before SaraJean and I started the "6 Dates," we shared some of our significant life stories. Some would call these "testimonies." We went to a park with a baseball diamond and sat on the bleachers, and I shared about the three big miracles in my life: Minnesota, coin flips, and a donation to a church. But before that, we were at SaraJean's apartment, and she told me her testimony:

"I have a daughter."

SaraJean's daughter is super cute: she has these blond curls that make her look like a six-year-old Taylor Swift. She lives with her adoptive parents in Colorado.

Only recently, I realized that SaraJean may have been really nervous to tell me about her daughter. If she told a stereotypical guy, he might get doubts or think less of her. At best, it might be neutral. However, I was very happy. I was shocked at first, but soon I saw it as a sign of how special SaraJean is, and how I shouldn't judge her so quickly. (I'm not ready to share the specific "sign" yet. However, SaraJean knows. =)

I just wanted to make that point: Sometimes there are things which seem only bad. But in Jesus' upside-down kingdom, those things can actually be good. In fact, those things can be cornerstones.

That reminds me: I should probably clarify one thing I said earlier. ("Just one?!")

It's about Christ. I said I have to find him. But don't I already talk about Jesus a lot? Aren't I already a Christian?

I usually go to church, read the Bible, go to Bible study (aka "small group") and pray. And when I was in high school and college, I called myself a Christian. However, in hindsight, I'm not sure I believed what I said I believed. Or at least, I can't say I believe it now. I did go to a Billy Graham crusade once, and I still have a card that says, "My Decision for Christ," signed November 18, 2004. So maybe I am a Christian. Maybe I will go to heaven and Jesus will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But I'm not sure, so I stopped calling myself a Christian while I sort things out.

I do believe in God. If anything, I've experienced too many miracles to deny that. But is God the god of the Jews? Of the Christians? Of elsewhere? And what about Jesus? Did a man really die for everyone's sins, in a way that appeased God? Do I really believe that? Or do I simply hope it's true?

Why do I mention Jesus so much? Well, I used to talk only to God. I would pray to him and sometimes ask him about Jesus. At one point during the months I've spent with SaraJean, I decided that a good way to get to know someone is to talk to her directly. So now I talk to Jesus every day, as best I can. And since the Christian Jesus is supposed to be the same as God (God's son), I use Jesus' name wherever I would use God's. In a philosophical sense, if Jesus doesn't exist, then I may be talking to no one. Or I may be addressing God by the wrong name, and he might not like that. However, this is the road I'm on, and I'm sticking with it for the time being.


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From San Diego

On Friday morning, November 16, 2012, SaraJean and I had our 50th Sixth Date. (We didn't actually count.) I picked her up, drove her to work, and we chatted in the car. We also had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. We had tried being special friends, but I was unable to be platonic emotionally. SaraJean's feelings had also changed, and she had decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I started sharing about SaraJean and me as a love story with an uncertain ending. I'm sorry it didn't work out. (That's an understatement.)

What will I do now? When I look back, I'm sure I'll realize even more deeply what a wonderful journey it's been, how blessed I was to get to know SaraJean so much, and how much she did for me. But for now, I'll probably just find ways to grieve: I may do a grieving ritual, send SaraJean an email, maybe even write a real letter. I know the nights will be hard for me.

I'll probably talk to Jesus and cry in my room. Then I'll come back and write the last section of a blog post about SaraJean and I. I'll explain that I drove her to work and we had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. I'll be clear that any romantic relationship we had is now over. And I'll frame it as our "50th Sixth Date."