50 Sixth Dates (with SaraJean)

Have you ever seen the movie, "50 First Dates"? It's a romantic comedy from 2004, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The premise is that Adam Sandler likes Drew Barrymore, but she has amnesia. Thus, they end up going on many "first dates." I haven't seen the movie, but the title reminded me of my relationship with SaraJean.

Date 5 was July 14, 2012: "The Hobbit." Back in early May, our plan was to have 6 "official" dates. After that, SaraJean and I would talk about having a deeper relationship. Also, after Date 1, we agreed to have a no-touching boundary until the end of the 6 dates. So far, we had kept that rule, not even holding hands or hugging. In fact, one time SaraJean hurt her foot and needed a band-aid, and I wasn't sure if it was okay to help her put it on. (FYI, it wasn't a question of her needing help, as she can probably do that better on her own anyway. However, she would have been okay with me helping.)

We planned to have Date 6 the next weekend. During that week, a few things happened:

–I secretly looked into getting SaraJean a custom mini-license plate (i.e., a nameplate). I've done this before for friends, but this one would be special.
–I visited SaraJean one evening, and I had some hard apple cider and we watched the anime, "Maison Ikkoku."
–I secretly looked into taking SaraJean to the SIGGRAPH computer-graphics conference. I thought she might enjoy it, and I know she likes good surprises.
–SaraJean sent me a long email, discussing her feelings (and doubts) about us so far.

That last part was a little scary, as it was the first time SaraJean had put into writing any doubts about us. However, it was also good. It gave me time to really think about what she said and to understand her point of view, and it gave me time to think about how I really felt.

From Huntington

SaraJean and I spent most of that weekend together. We met a new friend, Miriam, and walked around the Huntington Gardens with her. SaraJean and I talked about the things she brought up in her email. However, we never seemed to find the time to do a proper "Date 6."

Then, that Sunday, something very important happened. I finally wasn't able to resist being physical with SaraJean. What happened was that we were both in my room, talking. Obviously, that's a recipe for temptation, but it was something we had done before. We both clearly wanted to be closer, on some level. I suppose when I realized we weren't going to have Date 6 that weekend, and that I'd have to wait another week, that was the breaking point for me. After two and a half months, I needed more. I remember telling SaraJean, "I'm going to get a little closer to you. If you want to move back, that's okay. But I'm going to move closer." She didn't move. And so, I moved closer, and we were just a couple inches apart. Then, I …

… I touched my forehead to her forehead.

That was pretty much it. However, after a little while, SaraJean cried. And she needed a moment to herself. I was worried, of course. But then, she came back and gave me a huge hug. It was so huge that I couldn't even hug her back. And then we said goodbye for the day.

The next day, Monday, SaraJean called me and said she wanted to talk, soon. I took this as a good sign, since we had finally broken the ice on being physical, and she had even been the first one to hug me (as opposed to me hugging her).

So SaraJean came to my house that evening, and we walked in the park and talked. We sat on a bench, and she said,

"I want to be just friends."

The first thing that went through my mind was probably, "What?!" After that, it was,"But … we didn't have all 6 dates yet!"


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When I reflect back on that time, it's surprising to me all that's happened since. We had only hugged, and only once. We still had several secrets and shames that we were hiding from each other. We were still living in the shadow of our past relationships and expectations. I guess some things change, but some things stay the same.

That fateful Monday evening, SaraJean was still willing to talk with me, and that was crucial. We realized that just being friends wasn't the only option. What SaraJean really wanted was space to decide, and maybe space to reflect on her past.

From Blue Sabre, Inc.

So, we compromised. Essentially, we decided to play it more by ear. I thought we might not see each other for several weeks, which would have been sad. However, that Friday, we canned peaches together. And I gave SaraJean her special license plate. You may be familiar with these plates (perhaps because I gave one to you =). While each plate is special, SaraJean's really is more special, though it may not be visible in the photo. After all, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Perhaps a child can tell.

In the weeks after, SaraJean and I continued to hang out, perhaps more frequently than either of us expected. We seemed to hang out almost every weekend, unless one of us was out of town. Even in those cases, we would talk on the phone for some time.

One of my favorite memories is this one. This was Sunday, August 12. SaraJean and I had spent a long weekend together, after spending a couple weekdays together at SIGGRAPH. It started with us playing board games with my friends Drew and Elliott. Elliott was visiting from Tokyo! I even squeezed in some babysitting for the special-needs ministry at church. And SaraJean and I spent the night at her place. (Separate beds, Mom! Separate beds!) In the morning, SaraJean made me breakfast in bed.

From SaraJean

I almost cried. I wasn't even sure why, but maybe I know now. When I was a kid, one of my fond memories is making breakfast for my mom on Mother's Day. My dad helped me and my sister. I remember the breakfast tray. And how the light streams into their bedroom in the morning. So, would that be an Oedipus complex? Or, since my dad was the one helping make breakfast, would that be the opposite? If anything, I prefer to think of this as a consensual SaraJean complex. =)

After this, SaraJean and I continued to spend quality time together. We shared about our finances. We watched a screening of the documentary "Half the Sky," about helping oppressed women worldwide. SaraJean was the first person in the world that I shared my most shameful secret with, and she was there when I later shared it with a group of friends from church. We also watched the hit indie documentary, "Searching for Sugar Man," with one of the stars at the theater! (I don't want to say more, because I think the film is best seen without knowing too much about it.)

SaraJean and I never had an official Sixth Date. Instead, it was more like "50 Sixth Dates."

In October, SaraJean and I took a week apart to think about our relationship. She decided she still had to address her past. Also, I still had to find Jesus. We did like each other and were still hopeful about a relationship in the future, so we agreed to be just friends but still spend quality time together. A friend asked me if it's like "friends with benefits"–that's slang for two people being just friends but having sex. If I had to pick a phrase to describe what SaraJean and I decided, I'd say it's like "dating without benefits," except we weren't dating….

The 49th Sixth Date was on a Sunday. We had a nice lunch with some friends from church. Then, SaraJean and I had boba drinks and read "The Little Prince" to each other. It was fun. =)


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A year ago, around Thanksgiving, I was quite a mess. I had become friends with a girl at church, and I started to really like her. I was hoping she might feel the same or at least give me a chance. However, she … deferred. I remember driving home for Thanksgiving, being really, really sad, and I had a stranger in my car from craigslist rideshare. Actually, the stranger was great; I shared all my feelings, and we talked and laughed about girls and guys.

I didn't realize it, but only a month later, SaraJean and I would have our first lunch together with a group from church. It was for someone's birthday, so they took a photo. It's the first photo of SaraJean and I together. Also, one of the guys at that lunch would later tell me, "Geoff, I don't know why you keep looking for someone, when you've got such a nice girl here." And that would be the start of everything. =)

Before SaraJean and I started the "6 Dates," we shared some of our significant life stories. Some would call these "testimonies." We went to a park with a baseball diamond and sat on the bleachers, and I shared about the three big miracles in my life: Minnesota, coin flips, and a donation to a church. But before that, we were at SaraJean's apartment, and she told me her testimony:

"I have a daughter."

SaraJean's daughter is super cute: she has these blond curls that make her look like a six-year-old Taylor Swift. She lives with her adoptive parents in Colorado.

Only recently, I realized that SaraJean may have been really nervous to tell me about her daughter. If she told a stereotypical guy, he might get doubts or think less of her. At best, it might be neutral. However, I was very happy. I was shocked at first, but soon I saw it as a sign of how special SaraJean is, and how I shouldn't judge her so quickly. (I'm not ready to share the specific "sign" yet. However, SaraJean knows. =)

I just wanted to make that point: Sometimes there are things which seem only bad. But in Jesus' upside-down kingdom, those things can actually be good. In fact, those things can be cornerstones.

That reminds me: I should probably clarify one thing I said earlier. ("Just one?!")

It's about Christ. I said I have to find him. But don't I already talk about Jesus a lot? Aren't I already a Christian?

I usually go to church, read the Bible, go to Bible study (aka "small group") and pray. And when I was in high school and college, I called myself a Christian. However, in hindsight, I'm not sure I believed what I said I believed. Or at least, I can't say I believe it now. I did go to a Billy Graham crusade once, and I still have a card that says, "My Decision for Christ," signed November 18, 2004. So maybe I am a Christian. Maybe I will go to heaven and Jesus will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But I'm not sure, so I stopped calling myself a Christian while I sort things out.

I do believe in God. If anything, I've experienced too many miracles to deny that. But is God the god of the Jews? Of the Christians? Of elsewhere? And what about Jesus? Did a man really die for everyone's sins, in a way that appeased God? Do I really believe that? Or do I simply hope it's true?

Why do I mention Jesus so much? Well, I used to talk only to God. I would pray to him and sometimes ask him about Jesus. At one point during the months I've spent with SaraJean, I decided that a good way to get to know someone is to talk to her directly. So now I talk to Jesus every day, as best I can. And since the Christian Jesus is supposed to be the same as God (God's son), I use Jesus' name wherever I would use God's. In a philosophical sense, if Jesus doesn't exist, then I may be talking to no one. Or I may be addressing God by the wrong name, and he might not like that. However, this is the road I'm on, and I'm sticking with it for the time being.


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From San Diego

On Friday morning, November 16, 2012, SaraJean and I had our 50th Sixth Date. (We didn't actually count.) I picked her up, drove her to work, and we chatted in the car. We also had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. We had tried being special friends, but I was unable to be platonic emotionally. SaraJean's feelings had also changed, and she had decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I started sharing about SaraJean and me as a love story with an uncertain ending. I'm sorry it didn't work out. (That's an understatement.)

What will I do now? When I look back, I'm sure I'll realize even more deeply what a wonderful journey it's been, how blessed I was to get to know SaraJean so much, and how much she did for me. But for now, I'll probably just find ways to grieve: I may do a grieving ritual, send SaraJean an email, maybe even write a real letter. I know the nights will be hard for me.

I'll probably talk to Jesus and cry in my room. Then I'll come back and write the last section of a blog post about SaraJean and I. I'll explain that I drove her to work and we had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. I'll be clear that any romantic relationship we had is now over. And I'll frame it as our "50th Sixth Date."

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 5)

Ah, Date 5. Also known as, "Geoff's last chance." =) That's because I got to plan the odd dates (1, 3, 5) and SaraJean got to plan the even dates (2, 4, 6). So this was my last chance to make a good impression in the role of date planner.

Date 4 was June 16, 2002: the kite. Date 5 was July 14. What happened in the month between?

Let's start with the kite at the end of Date 4. I always thought that had been the start of SaraJean's relationship doubts, but I'm not so sure anymore. I looked at our old emails, and we seemed pretty much the same. Then, SaraJean flew home to Colorado for a weekend while I attended an anime convention. Besides family in Colorado, there was extra drama going on in SaraJean's family. Then, when SaraJean got back to LA, her ex-boyfriend–we called him Jason in the previous post–flew into town to visit her. Jason's plan was that they would go up to San Francisco somehow, because he had a friend's wedding to attend, then they would go to the wine country and ride bikes and go wine tasting with friends.

So, Jason and SaraJean hung out for a couple days in LA. Then they were going to drive up to SF with our friend Erik, but he had to cancel. So I decided to drive up with them. My main reason was that, since Jason was flying out of SF, I would get to drive back to LA with just SaraJean and myself. I thought that 6-hour drive together would be a good bonding experience.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, a few things changed:

1. I started to really, really like SaraJean.
2. SaraJean started to have serious doubts about our "compatibility."

Go figure?

I was trying to remember when my feelings for SaraJean first started to change. I think it was the kite, and just how different it was. And I definitely got jealous when Jason came back, so that probably helped my feelings along. And going to Anime Expo alone or being apart for so long probably contributed, too.

Anyway, by the time Jason's friend's wedding arrived, my heart had turned completely to SaraJean. So, while we waited for the wedding to finish, I happily drove us to Monterey Bay Aquarium. I know my heart was completely turned, because even though the aquarium was open only a couple hours more and admission was still full price ($35/ea), I *wanted* to go, and I *wanted* to pay. =)

When did things change for SaraJean? She might say the kite, but I wonder if the visit home also seeded doubt. (Her parents are divorced, plus there's been extra drama in her family.) And I can't but wonder if Jason coming back played a role.

And remember our different MBTI personality results? Having a test that tells you how different you are may not have been wise. =) (My opinion is that different personalities are good in the long run, because you'll always be stretching each other to develop. Then again, if I were dating a girl with the same personality as I, I might say the opposite. =)

At least we have similar love languages. =)

A few days or weeks after the aquarium, SaraJean and I talked about it again. She thought I didn't like her much at that time, which really surprised me. There were all these little things I did, because I liked her. However, she interpreted them oppositely. What's interesting (and sad) to me is that once one starts doing that, it's a downhill slope. It's like, "Why did he do that? Oh, again?" instead of "Oh, how sweet! Boy, he's trying." It really reminds me of the importance of attitude, as mentioned in the previous post.

At this point, I want to say that for me, attitude comes from commitment. Which is why commitment is so important to me.

Another funny thing from the aquarium: this wasn't an official date. But while going there, SaraJean said, "It sure seems like we should consider it a date." I said no, because I wanted to save Date 5 for something else (below). But inside, I also thought, "It sounds like she just wants to get the Dates over as quickly as possible, because she's lost interest in me." I guess I also needed an attitude check.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure SaraJean had a good time at the aquarium. And you can tell I was trying hard–perhaps too hard?–because there are a lot of photos. =)








After the aquarium, we picked up Jason. That Sunday, we went to Sonoma and went bike riding and wine tasting. I don't have any photos of that handy, but it was good exercise and fun. (Except for me being jealous of Jason hanging out with SaraJean. Thank goodness my friend Steph was there.)

On Monday, things got messy. Since we were near my hometown of Sacramento, I wanted SaraJean to visit my mom and meet my grandma, who's in her nineties. As you can imagine, this was really important to me. The plan was that Jason, SaraJean and Steph would hang out during the day while I went home. Then, Jason would go to SF (either via Steph or public transit), and SaraJean would visit my home for dinner. Instead, all three of them ended up going to SF for the entire day and evening, so I was feeling quite despondent.

However, it sort of worked out. SaraJean was still willing to come really late to my house and stay overnight. Steph also came. Tuesday morning, they had breakfast with my mom, grandma and sister. SaraJean and I had a long walk through the parks near my house, down to the river. And we talked.

From Monterey Bay Aquarium

A wise man once told me, "Stick to your guns." Actually, it was a friend who was hurt by a girl who had strung him along. My friend and I had recently talked, and I remember how he wished he had at least stuck to his guns. You know, say what he wanted to say, not what he thought she wanted to hear. Do what he wanted to do, not just what she wanted to do.

I felt SaraJean was hiding something, and I remembered my friend's hard-won advice. So I kept asking until she finally admitted it: she had serious doubts about us being "compatible enough" to ever make it as a couple.

From SaraJean, Mom

Strangely, I was sort of happy with this breakthrough. I was glad I was right, because it meant my intuition wasn't crazy. And I was glad that SaraJean had finally been honest with me. I think it's really hard to have a relationship when someone is hiding how they really feel. Sometime between that moment and now, SaraJean and I became really honest with each other. And so many times, that has made all the difference.

After our walk and talk, SaraJean and I had to return to LA. So here it was: the 6-hour drive together that I had been waiting for all along! Of course, SaraJean had just told me that she basically felt we should break up. But, she was stuck in the car with me until we got home, and we still had two dates to finish. =)

From Ron, Muriel, SaraJean: Hometown Buffet

On the way to LA, we stopped in Fresno to visit my Auntie Muriel and Uncle Ron. I was really looking forward to seeing them. For one thing, if SaraJean was worried about people being too different to make things work, then maybe it'd be good to see how my aunt and uncle make it work. Besides, more and more, I find that I just love my relatives. =)

After Fresno, it was late but we still had to get home. SaraJean slept in the car while I drove. But there was a lot of construction and traffic, it was hot, and I ignored my grandma's advice and didn't pack enough water. What's funny is that it was the happiest I have ever been in traffic. I was like, "More traffic? Great!" You see, SaraJean still had serious doubts about us, and I knew this might be our first and last road trip together. So, I was in no rush for the trip to end.

We got back to LA very early on Wednesday. Date 5 had to be that Saturday. Had SaraJean already given up hope? ("Geoff, stick to your guns!")

On Saturday, I picked SaraJean up around noon and gave her some sunflowers. I didn't have a plan for where to eat, so we went to Five Guys Burgers since I'd never been. It was good, but I still prefer In-N-Out.

I had learned that SaraJean likes surprises. (I like discussions. =) So, I didn't tell her where we were going. She thought we might be going all the way to San Diego for Comic Con!

But no, I had put my hope in "The Hobbit." Not a hobbit, like Frodo Baggins from "Lord of the Rings." "The Hobbit" is the book that takes place before "Lord of the Rings." But instead of reading the book, or waiting for the film which comes out this December, we went to a play!

The play was at the Maverick Theater in Fullerton. The Maverick is a small, quaint theater. I knew about it from my good friend Nick McGee. I was really looking forward to this for a few reasons:

–The play was adapted from the book by one of Nick's friends, who was the director. So this was a very local, unique opportunity.

–I saw the play two years ago, and it was great! I wanted to see what was the same and what was new.

–Nick is the hobbit!!!

SaraJean didn't know that last part, or really anything about the play. I just told her that my friend was in it.

Alas, I didn't take any photos of the actual play, and I don't think they'd do justice, anyway. But just imagine, you have to have an epic adventure with dwarves, elves, goblins, wizards, dragons, men, trolls, spiders and, yes, the hobbit. And you have to cross fields, valleys, mountains, caves, bridges, dungeons and forests. And there are battles, riddles, adventures and fellowship. All in one set, with a handful of local actors. But they did it, and it was awesome.

I'll just say, the trolls were especially amazing. Three 12-foot-tall monstrosities came out of nowhere, and they were each controlled by three puppeteers in black, so the effect was really surreal.


"This is amazing!"











Here we are in front of the set. This arch behind us did quadruple-plus duty as a hobbit hole, bridge, gate, dungeon, mountain pass, cave, and many other things.

After the play, Nick came out and I introduced SaraJean to him. I don't know if it really mattered to SaraJean which person in the play was my friend, but I felt honored to know *the* Hobbit. =)

From Date 5

Nick and I! It's too bad I didn't get any photos of people in costume. The first year, they created a giant mechanical spider that came down from the ceiling. This year, they used a girl dressed in black, on stilts. Both were really amazing.

Afterward, the three of us ate dinner at Baja Fresh. Then, SaraJean and I had a nice, long drive home. We watched some of the anime show "Maison Ikkoku." And I said some of the things that were really on my heart. ("Geoff, stick to your guns!")

So that was Date 5, my "last chance." Really, it was just watching a play that my friend was in. But for some reason, I felt really good about it. I had really wanted to share the experience with SaraJean, and it almost didn't happen. (We went on the last day.) It's a really fun, unique play, and they may never do it again. Probably more importantly, Nick is a good friend of mine, so I was glad he and SaraJean could meet.

And now, it's time for a reality check. When I started these posts about 6 Dates, I said that "maybe the not-knowing is what makes it worth writing about." And indeed, SaraJean & I still don't know the end of this story. It's reasonably conceivable that SaraJean and I could be together tomorrow, or separated next week, or married in a month. (Just kidding, Mom! That last part is because a couple friends got married at the courthouse. =) Moreover, there's a lot going on in both our lives right now. It's actually shaping into a time in which we really have to trust Jesus. I don't quite know what I'll write next time, and I think SaraJean knows even less. All I can say is that A LOT happened between Date 5 and …

… Date 6: You Think You Know Someone….

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 4)

This post is nominally about the 4th Date for SaraJean and me. But it's actually about something else.

Date 4 was June 16, 2012, a week after Date 3. SaraJean doesn't own a car, so usually I drive to visit her. (We live 45 minutes apart.) However, for this date, SaraJean borrowed a friend's car. Also, she told me we were going to the beach, but the rest would be a surprise!

SaraJean arrived a little late, and I thought something had gone wrong with the preparations. But actually, she said she was late because she was worried I wouldn't like her idea for the date. Of course, I assured her that she was wrong and that I'd love whatever idea she had.

Perhaps I was too cavalier …

This was SaraJean's idea: build a kite and fly it at the beach. But by "build," she didn't mean to put one together from a kit. She had some leftover material from a friend's attempt to build a blimp, and she had some sticks and string from a craft store. We would put all that together from scratch, and then we'd drive to the beach and hope it flies!

Now, the Geoff who is writing this thinks a certain way about this idea, and I'll share that later. But the Geoff who was on Date 4 was really thrown by this idea. I'll try to explain.

When SaraJean said we were going to the beach, but with a surprise, I instantly thought we might go fly a kite. Why? Several years ago, I had a relationship with a girl I'll call Fio. Long story short, I broke up with Fio, then later I wanted her back, but she had a new boyfriend, whom I'll call Jason. Fio and Jason's first date was to fly a kite at the beach.

Oh, and SaraJean's previous relationship was with this same Jason.

SaraJean came up with the kite idea on her own, so my correct guess was just a coincidence. However, I had already prepared myself mentally to fly a kite, and I felt I could handle that and we'd have a fun time. What I wasn't expecting was to build a kite from scratch. You see, I don't have much experience with building things with my hands, and I have a really poor intuition for physics, including how things fly. I really didn't know where to start. In my mind, I saw us cobbling together something very flimsy. We couldn't test it beforehand, since the beach was an hour away. So, we'd probably drive all the way there, only to have the kite fail miserably, like falling apart or never getting off the ground. Also, I imagined that Jason and SaraJean had probably flown kites at the beach several times, so she'd always compare our "lame" date with previous "fun" dates.

Now, if you think that I totally had the wrong attitude, I agree. However, I'm sharing how I really felt at that time.

Another thing I got wrong: I assumed SaraJean hadn't tried to prepare much. After all, we weren't using a kit, we didn't have instructions or "official" kite-building materials, and neither of us had built a kite from scratch before. But despite this, SaraJean had tried hard in her own way. For example, she had been planning this for several days. Also, she didn't have kite string on a spool, but she had spent several hours going to craft stores looking for it. (Remember, she doesn't own a car.) The "kite material" was a weird shiny material from a blimp, but she had played with it a bit and thought it might work. Most importantly, SaraJean had tried to figure out how we would attach the shiny blimp material to the kite's wooden frame….

In hindsight, a lot of things could have worked for that. Staples. Glue. But what SaraJean came up with was both creative and cute: We ironed duct tape.

You see, SaraJean had already tried using duct tape on the blimp material. I think that worked okay but not great. Then, she tried folding the duct tape to make it double-sided. That wasn't tight enough. But *somehow*, SaraJean figured out that ironing the duct tape, in just the right way, worked. So, when SaraJean arrived for our date, she even brought her iron! (That was very good, because I have no idea if we even have an iron at our house. Two bachelors live here. =)

My impression of SaraJean went way up from this duct-tape epiphany. It reminds me of those movie moments when the guy sees the girl in a new dress with her hair done up, and time freezes for a moment, and then his whole attitude starts to change.

However, I mentioned earlier that I was really thrown by the idea of building a kite from scratch and trying to fly it. I didn't know what to do, so I basically did nothing. I sort of tried to look busy organizing or cleaning up, while SaraJean did almost all of the cutting, tying, and, yes, ironing.

Not one of my prouder moments.

We rested a bit while building the kite. I think that was when we spent some time reading our MBTI type descriptions and discussing how accurate we thought they were. Since our types are a bit different, it was a really good exercise. (We should probably do it regularly, as we're always learning more about each other.)

The main difference between my personality type and SaraJean's is that I'm a strong "J" and she's a strong "P." A theoretical example:

"Js tend to offer decisive opinions on most topics, while Ps are less likely to do so, often preferring to answer a question with another question." (From "Type Talk" by Kroeger and Thuesen.)

Another example:

"Ps are capable of generating alternatives to any situation, while Js tend to get locked into one method." 

Sadly, I didn't realize how well that described the current kite-building situation. (Js also need time alone to process new ideas.)

So, what happened with the kite?

From Date 4

Actually, it was pretty cool. There was a lot of wind at the beach, which was good. The kite nose-dived into the ground at first. However, we adjusted the strings, and then we could keep the kite airborne for short periods of time.

Also, the blimp-material-plus-ironed-duct-tape worked great. It was very strong but light, and it was cool to see the shiny kite reflect the sun. Even better, we could look through the kite and see the sun! (It's that little speck in the photo, glinting behind the kite. From the upper-left corner, it's about 1/4 of the way to the right and 1/4 down.)

Afterward, we were going to have a little picnic at the beach, but it was too windy and a little cold. So, we went to In-N-Out and planned to have a combination burger-picnic there. SaraJean seemed happy that I had finally tried to get the kite flying with her. However, she seemed thrown off when it was time to actually eat. She excused herself to get something from the car, but then she just sat in the car for awhile. (I asked if she needed anything, but she just wanted to be alone.) Eventually, she came back in and we ate a little.

Going into Date 4, I think SaraJean really liked me, and up until then I had given her only reasons to like me more. But maybe this date gave her some doubts. In any case, things got rough in the weeks after. Ironically, I think Date 4 was the second stage of me really starting to appreciate and like SaraJean, which made my caution melt away. In hindsight, I came to really like the idea of making a kite from scratch and flying it at the beach. It's the kind of thing I'd like to do with my kids someday. But hey, why wait? I only wish I could have appreciated things earlier.

SaraJean and I talked about this date a lot in the weeks afterward. One way to sum it up would be to say that SaraJean gave it her all, even when I wasn't pulling my weight. I suppose one could be generous and say that I eventually tried to pitch in, but it was too little, too late.

…

Wait, drat it! It's too early for doom and gloom! The truth is that the story gets rough, but there will be a comeback. And then, well, it's like in the opening post: I have a lot of hope, but I really don't know how this love story will go, especially as I write this on October 11, 2012.

I used to dwell on "the kite date" a lot, and it used to really bother me. But you know what? I decided I have to move on. I think reflection is good, even to the point of regret. But then, we have to learn those lessons and move on. SaraJean and I learned that we have fundamental differences in our personalities, and that will require work in our relationship. (Like most good things!) I learned that I need to be a little more flexible and risk messing up. SaraJean learned that I respond a lot better when she does a bit of a "hit-and-run": hit me with the idea, then give me a few minutes alone to think about it. And since we stopped dwelling on past mistakes, we've also realized that we have a lot in common.

For example, we re-learned something that we both strongly believe in: The importance of attitude.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes." (Chuck Swindoll)

Ultimately, the most important thing I learned from Date 4 is something that I should have known from the beginning:

SaraJean is worth it.

I hope the kite lasts forever.

Next time, on Date 5: A friend, and a hobbit. (Yes, hobbit!)

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 3)

Last time: SaraJean took me out on a date! We went to the top of Mt. Wilson at night. It was great, except … she also asked for a "no physical contact" rule until all 6 dates were over! And with that, it was my turn. =)

Date 3 was the next weekend, on June 9, 2012. At least three things happened around this time:

1) One of the pastors at my church, Pastor Julie, cut off her long, brown hair to donate.

2) SaraJean took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test.

3) Two of SaraJean's friends, Marc & Mika, bought a house.

Why do I mention these three things? 2) might be obvious, but let's go in order.

1) So Pastor Julie cuts her hair, and she's going to donate it. She's been growing it for two years, just for this purpose. Julie also has a little girl. And wouldn't you know it, before Julie could mail off her hair, Julie's daughter found it and had a wonderful time taking it apart and playing with it. The hair was now a tangled mess and unacceptable for donation.

Pastor Julie told me the story at church camp. I asked what she was going to do now. She said she couldn't bear to throw out the hair; she would cry just thinking about it. But the only way to restore the hair would be for someone to separate the strands one by one and line them all up. That sounded right up my alley, so I said I would do it!

The next week, Pastor Julie met me at church and handed me a bag containing her hair. It was definitely a funny exchange.

My plan was to use some tweezers, take out each strand one at a time, and use masking tape to line them all up. It'd be simple enough, so I could watch a movie while doing it.


Three movies later, I had barely done anything. It turns out that the hair looked okay on the surface, but it was deceptively difficult to untangle. And you know what? The average human head has over 100,000 hairs! I can't imagine even counting to 100,000!

Also, I realized I know nothing about hair, especially women's long hair. So, I asked SaraJean for advice. =) She had some good ideas, but it was still too hard, so I improvised.

The photo at left looks like I'm dissecting some crazy hair beast. And, yes, I had to buy hair clips.

One improvisation was to soak the hair in oil, to make it easier to work with. I didn't have lots of conditioner, but I had a lot of canola oil. You can see it in the left of the photo, in the container and in the ziploc bag. I soaked the hair in the canola oil overnight, to see if that helped. It actually did, but not enough.

One improvisation deserves another, right? I bought some conditioner to see if that worked better. However, I didn't have enough to submerge all the hair in it. So I thought, "Well, if I put the hair and conditioner in a bag, and put that in the dryer, maybe it will tumble around and mix better?"

That sooo did not work. Instead, the hair became a ball of even-more-tangled hair.

From Hair

Pastor Julie's precious hair was now truly unfixable. And it looked like … a giant hairball, of course. (Growing up, we had a cat.)

In the end, I had to admit defeat and apologize to Pastor Julie. Thankfully, she took it in stride.

Ok, so maybe that didn't have a lot to do with SaraJean. =)

2) SaraJean's MBTI personality profile is ENFP. She's pretty strong along all 4 scales. Me? I just took the test, and I'm I(S/N)FJ. (I'm in the middle of the scale for S/N.) However, I also took the test in 2005 and was (E/I)STJ. So in the past seven years, I've become more I, less S, way more F, and I am still a strong J. Our personality types will certainly come up in future posts. In the meantime, if you want to take the test, go here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm. I'd love to know what you get. (Include the numerical breakdown!)

3) Marc & Mika bought a house. This really was relevant! =) Date 3 was my turn to plan, and SaraJean had raised the bar. I had only a week, and her birthday was around the corner. But then, Marc & Mika needed help with their backyard, and SaraJean asked if I was interested. So, that became Date 3. Also, I was planning to pick a place to eat afterward, but our friend Daniel was having a BBQ, so we went there instead. Whew!

I didn't take any photos of Date 3, either. (Sorry!) Does that mean this is the end of this post?

…

…

Of course not. =) Didn't you wonder why Marc & Mika needed help with their backyard? =)

In fact, it wasn't just to dig up dirt. Marc & Mika needed help because their entire backyard–just underneath the top layer of dirt–was full of trash.

Trash like this. This is Marc & Mika's backyard. While I didn't take photos of Date 3, Mika took photos on a day when other friends were helping. Thank you, Mika!

In fact, in the photo, SaraJean is in the very-back-right, in the green shirt.

The backyard looks "normal" from a distance. But if you dig down just a little, you'll find trash. And more trash. Apparently, the previous owners had been foreclosed on and were squatting. They probably didn't have trash service, but they were still generating trash. One improvisation deserves another?

They found all kinds of things. Cement blocks. Pottery. A tire. Food waste. Plastic bags full of leaves. I think there was even a toilet. Here, Mika found an apron!



I wasn't there when these photos were taken. But for Date 3, just imagine me working hard, standing next to SaraJean. =)

From Digging (from Mika)

They filled a dumpster!


Mika likes gardening, so eventually, they WILL get everything cleaned up and looking beautiful. After that, no one will be able to look at the backyard and imagine that it was once, literally, a dump.

So, Date 3 was digging up garbage in a friend's backyard! But I had fun, and I think SaraJean did, too. We got to talk and get to know each other better, we helped out some friends, and we exercised. I still had to figure out something for SaraJean's birthday, but Date 4 would be SaraJean's turn again. What would she come up with this time?

Next time is Date 4: A Kite of Wonder and … regret?

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 2!)

Last time: I recounted Date 1. It started as a simple lunch at an Ethiopian restaurant, but it turned into a surprise let's-have-SaraJean-meet-the-relatives-right-now salmon dinner! Since I had planned Date 1, now it was SaraJean's turn!

After SaraJean read the previous entry, she thought some people would think "SaraJean's turn" meant it was her turn to write on this blog! I know everyone would love that, including myself. Alas, that's not the case.

Also, I didn't take any photos on Date 2, so we'll have to use our imagination. Sorry!

Date 2 was June 2, 2012, three weeks after our first date. A few things happened in between:

1) I got to meet SaraJean's good friend Freya, who was visiting from out of town. I definitely wanted to make a good impression. When a guy is starting to date a girl, I don't think it matters what his guy friends think. But for a girl, I think it can matter a lot what her girlfriends think. (At least, it worked out really well for a friend of mine. They're now happily married with two kids.)

What did Freya think about me after we met? I heard she said something like, "I really don't know. He's so different from everyone else!" I'll take that. =)

2) SaraJean ran a half-marathon. A good day for me is walking a half-block-a-thon.

3) It was Caltech's Ditch Day! SaraJean and I explored the campus the night before, and a little the day-of. (I got lucky and was able to help out with a stack in Avery House: the Dominion stack, based on the card/board game.)

4) We both spent a weekend at church camp, at Pepperdine University. We hung out with other friends but also with each other, playing basketball, solving a jigsaw puzzle, and playing a card game called "Nertz."

I took one photo at church camp: Joseph and his newborn baby. Joseph was in SaraJean's Bible study group at church; we call them "sedaqah" groups. SaraJean and I are both outliers in our sedaqah groups: I'm the oldest in my group, and perhaps a lot older than the average. SaraJean is one of the younger people in her group, and for awhile everyone else was couples and families.

5) Oh, one other thing happened that I should share. The week of Date 2, SaraJean wrote me a long email, which included these words: "I did not like how you spoke to me in the car. … I felt like throwing your iPad at you."

And now it was time for Date 2!

Ok, so I'm not presenting the context for the above. Suffice it to say, SaraJean was really mad at me. She never did throw anything at me. We talked and made up. I suppose it was our first fight. (FYI, I'm really glad that SaraJean told me how she felt.)

And I forgot to mention something from Date 1: I really wanted to start things off on the right foot, so I asked SaraJean if we could pray together. I vaguely remember us holding hands when we did it. And we had hugged briefly at the end of Date 1. I didn't get a chance to drive SaraJean home and drop her off at her door, so we didn't get that stereotypical chance to kiss. I was definitely hoping for that for Date 2, or maybe Date 3, since that would be my turn.

Date 2 started with SaraJean telling me, "I don't think we should have any physical contact until after the 6 dates."

…

…

… I'll talk about that later.

We started with a nice walk to SaraJean's favorite park. (Not holding hands, of course….) On the way, SaraJean treated me to her favorite frozen yogurt place, "Cherry on Top."

We then walked to the park, eating our frozen yogurt and talking. I'm sure we talked about a lot that day, but one thing we especially talked about was her family. (Her mom lives in Saudi Arabia but was visiting the U.S. soon. And SaraJean was planning a trip back to Colorado for her dad's birthday.)

By the way, here's the outside of the Cherry on Top in Pasadena. I've been there several times, but now that I see it this way, it makes me wonder: What's on the second and third floors?

After dessert, SaraJean drove me to a Yucatan restaurant that she really likes. (I should say that SaraJean doesn't own a car. However, she had asked a friend if she could borrow a car for our date!) I don't know if I ever told SaraJean this, but I think I got food poisoning from what I ate that night.

SaraJean had a surprise in store for our date. However, I think we started too late, so I never found out what it was. Instead, she improvised a different surprise … by driving me to the top of Mount Wilson!

Mt. Wilson is a famous hiking/driving destination for Caltech, since it's just a few miles north of campus. Nevertheless, I had never been there! I don't have a picture of the entire mountain, so just imagine a mountain in the distance. =)

At the top of Mt. Wilson is an observatory and a ton of radio antennae. This photo is from 2009, when there was a fire threatening the area. (The plane is dropping fire retardant.)

The drive was really twisty all the way up, and I got a teeny bit car sick. SaraJean told me that she also gets car sick, so that's why she wanted to be the one driving up!

At the top, nothing was open, including the parking lot. So, we just parked along the side of the road and walked around. The view was great. I don't have a picture of it, so just imagine a really nice view of Los Angeles and the entire valley, with all the city lights. =)

I didn't think there was anything to do or anywhere to go up there at night. However, SaraJean found a slightly empty patch of ground right next to the road, put a blanket down there, and told me to sit. She had a bag of stuff, and out of it she pulled a board game called "Uptown." It was a little dark, but we placed the board on the blanket and started to play.

Uptown is an easy-to-learn, hard-to-master game. Each player has the same set of pieces, and each piece can be placed in a specific section, row or column, depending on what it is. The goal is to place all your pieces such that they're connected in one contiguous shape (or as few shapes as possible).

While we're playing the game, I take a few moments to just enjoy things. It's pretty different up there, at the top of a mountain with these giant antennae towering above you, and the city below. All quiet, and no one else around. Plus, it was a full moon! It was really quite romantic … until I remembered our new no-physical-contact rule. =)

At some point during our game, a large spider suddenly crawled across our blanket! I totally freaked out. Did I mention that SaraJean hopes to go to graduate school for entomology? That's the study of bugs.

We finished the game (SaraJean won on a tiebreaker), and I still had to drive home. When I think about this date, I feel like we stayed on Mount Wilson all night long, until the sun rose. But in truth, we stayed only until midnight, then we drove back down the mountain. Along the way, we talked about personality types, and the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).

So that was Date 2. It started as a normal walk in the park and dinner, but it transformed into a mountaintop adventure playing a board game among the creepy crawlies of the earth!

I should say that, in my mind, a lot of the things we did that night were romantic. But that's probably because I had romance in mind. Many times when SaraJean and I hang out, she's really not thinking about romance; she's just having fun. I guess that must happen a lot: guys and girls having different perspectives on what a particular date is about.

Finally, I said I'd talk about SaraJean's request for "no-physical contact" throughout our 6 dates. I agreed to this immediately, because, well, what choice did I have?

But seriously, I did agree, and I thought it was a good idea. I wanted to be clear, so I asked if she really meant no physical contact at all, including holding hands, hugging, or even just a pat on the shoulder. The answer was essentially yes, nothing at all. At that point, perhaps I should have asked for more time to think things through…. Anyway, this rule will certainly come up later.

So: At the end of Date 2, I was mostly very happy. On the flip side, SaraJean had planned such a great date, I felt some pressure for planning Date 3! (SaraJean would note that the best parts of Date 2 weren't planned at all. =)

The next date would be next weekend, June 9, 2012. We had a no-touching rule to live with. And, SaraJean's birthday was that month! Pressure!

Next time is Date 3: Saved by dirt!

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story…? Date 1.

Last time: SaraJean said she liked me. I was interested but not ready to be in a steady relationship, so we agreed to go on a series of 6 dates first. I promised to tell you about Date 1.

Before we continue, I want to mention that SaraJean and I hung out several times between dates, but we didn't count them as "official dates." However, if something significant happened then, I will mention that.

From My cell phone

For example, SaraJean and I had our "First Date" (ooohhh!) on May 12, 2012. But about a week beforehand, I got to care for her because she was sick in bed. (I brought her dinner, and we talked a little.) Looking back, we were already learning important things about each other: SaraJean doesn't like asking for help sometimes, and I don't like texting a lot because I have a prepaid plan and a phone without a good keyboard for texting.

Anyway, Date 1 was a Saturday, and it was my turn to plan. My assumption was that these dates would be very casual and laid back. So, I planned just to take SaraJean to lunch.

But where for lunch, for our First Date? Such an important question! I was learning that SaraJean likes surprises. That didn't help, since I couldn't ask if she wanted to go to restaurant X or eat cuisine Y. (FYI, I can't stand scary surprises. Other types of surprises I might like, after I've had time to think about them. =)

I decided on Ethiopian, since it's different and my favorite cuisine, and I'd always wanted to try one of the restaurants in Little Ethiopia. (Little Ethiopia is like Chinatown but Ethiopian, and smaller.) To be a little safe, I did ask SaraJean if she likes Ethiopian food. (She said she likes that you eat it with your hands. =)

One reason I like Ethiopian is that there are no extra plates or silverware. You really do eat everything with your hands, using a special bread to wrap everything. At the end of the meal, there's just a center plate left over. Good for the person washing the dishes!

There were a couple things different at this Ethiopian restaurant. At left is a photo SaraJean took of me. Notice the knob in front of my hands? That's because I'm sitting on a –saddle–!








Also, we ordered a fish, which I'd never had at an Ethiopian restaurant. It still had all its bones, so it didn't quite work with the bread sandwich. But I'm pretty sure I still liked it!

After lunch, we took a short walk, then it was time for me to bring SaraJean home and end Date 1. I felt it had gone well enough for a first date! Also, I already had plans to visit my Uncle Al afterward.

However, I gave SaraJean the option to come with me to Uncle Al's (or maybe she asked). It was one of those watershed moments. She could have said no, but she said yes. Then, when we got to Uncle Al's, my cousin Gayle said she was also coming, and my cousin Cindy as well. Did SaraJean want to stay for dinner? Again, she said yes! (Whew!)

On the other hand, SaraJean and I were still on our first date, so it seemed a little early to introduce her to family. However, I was learning from SaraJean how to go with the flow. =)

There was still time before Gayle arrived, so we relaxed in a nearby park. SaraJean is always saying I should just be myself. Here, I'm doing just that!

Gayle and Cindy arrived, and Cindy had brought her two kids and their dog (Katie, Luke and Yogi). I was glad Cindy brought them, because SaraJean loves playing with kids. Also, I suspected the kids would get me to reveal facets of myself that might otherwise go unseen, and that would be good in the end.

I was right, I think…. My cousin Katie started with simple hide-and-go-seek stuff, but somehow that morphed into pretend-to-be-a-jumping-animal, such as a frog or kangaroo. Then, that morphed into pretend-to-be-a-mutant-jumping-animal, so we jumped around sideways while flailing our arms and sticking out our tongues. (Blleaah!)

From Date 1

Meanwhile, Gayle and Cindy made salmon, and we all enjoyed a wonderful dinner.

Also, Cindy lives much closer to SaraJean than I do, so Cindy gave her a ride home. Since it was our first date, I really wanted to drive SaraJean home, but it would have been an extra hour of driving. However, before I said goodbye to SaraJean, I stole a hug while we were alone.

Oh! I should also mention that I gave SaraJean flowers when I picked her up at her apartment. I don't remember exactly what flowers I got, but it included lilies. I mention this because it was the first time I ever gave a girl flowers on a date. (BTW, Trader Joe's has a nice selection.)

In the end, I felt Date 1 went really well. Thank you, Gayle, Cindy, and Uncle Al!


Hmm…. What did I mean when I thought the date went really well? Honestly, I felt that SaraJean had probably had a good time, and that her opinion of me probably went up. But how did I feel about SaraJean? I couldn't tell in that moment. I think I was just trusting that I'd know her better, and my own feelings, as we spent more time together.

But I do remember really enjoying our first hug. =)

From Yum's graduation

The day after our first date was Sunday, and I knew SaraJean didn't have any plans. However, I was busy. I was driving up to Sacramento, as it was Mother's Day, my sister was graduating, and I really wanted to visit my best friend Glenn and play the new video game "Diablo 3" with him. At that point in time, one could reasonably accuse me of having the following priority list (first being the most important): Diablo 3 (a video game) -> Glenn (best friend) -> Mary (sister) -> Mom -> SaraJean.

Clearly, some things would have to change. =)

Next time: Date 2. SaraJean's turn!