Two months in Sacramento

Wow, it's been two months since I moved back to Sac! Just for fun, I'll update in reverse time.

I just came back from two weeks in the San Francisco Bay Area. A week was spent at the Game Developers Conference (GDC). The rest of the time was spent catching up with old friends and co-workers. Now that I look back on the trip, I really saw quite a few people from various circles in my life. Some readers might know them, so I'll list them briefly: Genentech, former Genentech (Melissa Ma, Lawrence Hon, Svetlana Pidasheva), GDC CAs not attending this year (Xander, Nur, Eric Tang), Auntie Helen, Mayo lab (Jonathan Lassila), Cal (Blisseth Sy), Avery House (Jim Pugh, Joseph Koo, Habib Ahmad), GrX (Sarah Castonguay), JFK (Aaron Lum).

From Habib

This is Habib. We were both grad students in Avery House. We went to Vegas together. And Yosemite. I think we even liked the same … hmm, maybe he doesn't want me to talk about that. =)

Anyway, Habib is now working hard at Bosch. His wife is very friendly, his son is super-cute, and his garden is looking snazzy. Habib took me to a wonderful Pakistani hole-in-the-wall in Fremont. So good.

From Korean BBQ

This is Aaron. We were one year apart in high school, but we rarely hung out. What's funny is that we share a lot of similar interests: video games, board games, anime. Somehow, we re-connected when I was living in Daly City. Aaron and his girlfriend Tamiko let me stay with them during the GDC. Of course, I owed them a dinner.

We went to another hole-in-the-wall with great food: this time, Korean BBQ! This place was special: if you look closely at the photo, you'll see charcoal! Aaron kept saying our clothes would smell of smoke for a week. I didn't take him seriously. Besides, they really smelled only for 5 days.

The GDC was fun but went by oh-so-quickly. I was a volunteer again, along with 430 others. (The entire GDC is ~24,000 attendees.) Surprisingly, by the end of the week I knew almost every volunteer at least by name and face. While I consider all the volunteers as part of my second family, some are especially dear friends.

Here's my official photo from the GDC. Each volunteer has one. I like these photos because they're done with professional lighting (remote flashes, umbrellas, etc.). On the down side, it makes me more aware of my physical imperfections. For example: My left eyelid is lower than my right, and my hairline isn't symmetrical. I think my ears don't line up with my sideburns, either. Thankfully, I'm past the age when those things really bother me. I think. =)

And here's my official 1980s photo. =) They had a photo booth with people to help style you. Thank you to Deb and the others at iam8bit! I actually took two other 80s photos, but I like this one best.

A lot of my friends took photos, too. You can see them all by clicking on this Flickr link. I suppose it really helps if you recognize the people in the photos, but I crack up every time I look at them.

From GDC 2013

This is me at the Oculus VR booth at the GDC. I'm wearing a special Virtual-Reality headset called the Oculus Rift. It's still in the developmental stages, but it's amazing. Not just cool, but *amazing.* I could talk forever about it, but you can Google it. The official site is at this link.

Okay! Back to my Sacramento life.

From Beth reading

One nice thing about going home is that I get to see my cousin Beth before she moves (down to LA, alas). I have a lot of cousins, and Beth and I didn't meet until a year or so ago. Here, we're studying together at a Starbucks where my friend Mitch works. I took this photo because I was struck by how intently Beth was reading. It wasn't bad news; I think Beth is simply very thoughtful.

Of course, the biggest thing about being home is living with my mom again. We tried this 7 years ago, and there was a fair amount of drama. I vote for less drama this time.

From Mom at Panera

To that end, I'm trying to help out a little more (washing dishes, grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, etc.). I think Mom and I are also trying to talk to each other more and listen more. We also have regular lunches (~bi-weekly) together, going Dutch. Here's my mom at Panera!

And then there's my grandma. In some ways, that's the highest priority, because she's 94. On the other hand, I feel Grandma lives a very peaceful life. By that, I mean Grandma always seems at peace. Even when she's nagging me. =)

Here's Mom and Grandma at breakfast. I should note that Mom has lovingly been cooking and preparing nutritious meals for Grandma and I each day.

From Mom and Grandma

Grandma and I have done a little walking together. It takes awhile for her to get to just the end of the block. Sometimes I have to push her. But once, she managed to do it on her own. =)

From Grandma

Grandma and I live on opposite ends of a long hallway. I don't spend much time looking down the hallway, but one time I saw Grandma sitting at her bed, reading. And because she's 94, she really didn't notice me. It was kind of cool, having this light and life at the other end of the dark tunnel. I want to say it was almost romantic, but obviously this is my grandma, so let's just say I have poor diction. Maybe it made me think of someone else.

I tried to have a normal conversation with Grandma across that hallway … but it was too far, and Grandma's hearing isn't that great. So the experience was also a bit melancholy. Nevertheless, just thinking about it was fun. =)

I'll close with a video. It's of Grandma walking down the block, for 10 minutes. Sounds exciting, right?

Grandma's Walk

Actually, I don't expect you to watch the video. At least now. Shucks, if I hadn't made the video, I wouldn't want to watch 10 minutes of Grandma walking, either.

But maybe you miss Grandma. Or you will. When that happens, come back here. This video should still be waiting.

I hope it will give you a fond memory of her. =)

I read an article about a very serious trial …

I am now back in Sacramento! I meant to post earlier and to start "from the center, out" to share about my new life here. That might mean a photo of Mom, a photo of Grandma, and a little about my room. However, I've always had something to do since I arrived, and posting on this blog went to the back burner.

Last week, I read a news article about a very serious trial occurring in New York City. And today, I realized that writing something about that trial is a high priority for me.

But first, here is at least a photo of Grandma:

From Grandma

If you ever have the privilege of meeting her, you can call her Grandma Fong. =) She's 94. Here, Grandma Fong and I are about to enjoy a relaxing lunch at Jack-in-the-Box.

Disclaimer: Below, I will be talking about a very serious criminal trial. The details are all from publicly-available sources from Google News, mostly The New York Times, and there will be no photos. That said, I can imagine some people thinking, "Wow, I wish I hadn't read about that." I don't know how to tell whether that's you or not. I suppose you could pray about it. I will say this is a real trial with real people.



Today was Communion Sunday. Communion is for honoring the sacrifice of Jesus. At church, they chose this day to start a $1.5-million, 3-year capital campaign. I don't know if that's good or bad. For my part, I was mostly thinking about the trial I had read about.

The headline that first caught my eye was "Defense in Cannibal Case Focuses on the Line Between Intent and Fantasy."

There is a man named Gilberto Valle. Gilberto is 28 years old. He is a New York City police officer with a wife and an infant daughter.

Gilberto is on trial, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. He is charged with plotting on the Internet to kidnap, rape, kill and cannibalize female victims. Gilberto's wife turned him in, before she fled to another state with their child. She had discovered that Gilberto visited fetish Web sites: the first thing she saw on one was a picture of a dead girl. Later, she found that Gilberto had been chatting on the Internet about plans to torture and kill women, including herself.

Gilberto has admitted that he's had a cannibalism fetish for several years. He also has admitted visiting certain fetish Web sites. Most importantly, Gilberto has acknowledged having Internet chats about kidnapping, torturing, killing and eating real women. (Some portions of the chats are quoted in the news articles, and they were definitely disturbing to me.)

To be clear, no one has found any evidence that Gilberto has actually kidnapped, raped, killed or cannibalized anyone. And "none of the women who prosecutors say [Gilberto] singled out were kidnapped or harmed."

The prosecution claims that Gilberto "had been plotting real crimes to kill actual victims," while the defense claims that Gilberto "had merely been living out deviant fantasies in Internet chat rooms, with no intention of carrying them out."


At this point, your brain may be swirling with questions, and emotions.

One question: When does a fantasized crime become an actual crime?

Another: How deep are our principles about the freedom to think, the freedom to say, the freedom to write even the darkest thoughts from our human imagination?

Practically, we have this question: Should Gilberto go to prison and be isolated from the rest of society, or should he be as free in society as most everyone else?


The above are legal questions. They are important, but they are legal. The reason I wanted to write this post is because of human questions.

Would it be a tragedy if Gilberto actually carried out any of the plans he discussed in his Internet chats? (Yes.)

Has the revelation of Gilberto's Internet chats done emotional harm to his wife and the other women mentioned in the chats? (Yes. Though presumably Gilberto never intended for his wife or the other women to know.)

Do you think Gilberto chose this fetish? Do you think he made a conscious decision to like this sort of thing?

Does Jesus love Gilberto? Does Jesus love Gilberto as much as he loves your children, your significant other and your best friend?

In Jesus' eyes, are we better than Gilberto? Are we more deserving of Jesus' love? If Gilberto actually had committed the crimes described in his Internet chats, would that change the answers?

In this trial, who is probably hurting the most right now? I'd say Gilberto's wife, the women involved in the case, and Gilberto. Of all these, who probably feels the most hated, the most abandoned and the most unloved right now?

When reading an article on the Internet, half the fascination is not the article but the comments from other readers. (I don't think The New York Times articles have any comments, but other news outlets do.) But as I read the comments, I became very sad. Many people seemed to treat Gilberto like he was worse than dirt. They hoped he would be put in prison … and violated and killed in prison. Some felt Gilberto hadn't committed a crime, but they still wanted him shipped off to Siberia with other deviants. There was just this feeling of overwhelming belittlement and contempt.

And then I realized, this trial is not just about whether Gilberto is found guilty or innocent, whether he goes to jail or not. I'm not on the jury; I don't know all the evidence and all the arguments. But I do know this: Gilberto's life is in many ways over. Imagine Gilberto goes free: what will he do? He's lost his wife, child and job. How many friends will he have? What will his family think? Some people will probably be outraged, and Gilberto will receive death threats (or even real threats acted out). Who will ever hire him? Rent to him? Date him? Talk to him? Who will ever love or care for him?

This trial has probably wounded a lot of people: all the women involved, all the people in Gilberto's life. But most or all of those people are probably receiving extra loving attention: except Gilberto. Especially when I consider all the negative energy and negative thoughts that must be directed at him every day.

Some time ago, I made a commitment to follow a man the best way I knew how: One day at a time, doing what I think he wants me to do. Many times, that means doing what he would do, what he did by example. One of those things he did was to love the unloved, unconditionally.

So, here I'm taking a stand:

Gilberto Valle, I care about you. As a brother in humanity, as a human being, I care about you. Even if they convict you, I care about you. Even if you did commit some horrendous crime in reality, I care about you. Even if you go free but never get over your fetish, I care about you. Even if you mess up in the future and do something terrible, I still care about you. Even if people hate me because I care, I still care about you.

What do love and care look like in this case? Honestly, I don't quite know, which is partly why I'm writing. Sometimes caring is helping someone out, and sometimes caring is not enabling someone. But I think the following are good, small steps: Gilberto Valle, I'm saying I care for you. Gilberto, I will pray for you. Gilberto, I hope for the best for you. Gilberto, I pray that you spend an eternity in joy, in heaven.

As I mentioned above, I started writing this post on Communion Sunday. Communion celebrates Jesus' sacrifice for us and his victory over evil forces. That last part is not Jesus fighting "evil people" or even "people who have evil thoughts." In fact, from Jesus' perspective, we have all been evil, but Jesus cared for and still cares for every single person, unconditionally.

Ephesians 6:12: "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Romans 5:8–10: "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us … when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son."

Is Jesus stronger than Gilberto's sin? Is Jesus stronger than Gilberto's fetish?

Ah, it's been a long post, and I'm tired. This isn't supposed to be a perfect post, or a complete statement. But I feel it's really important to say something, to stand up for people no matter what they've done. I definitely want the women in Gilberto's life to be cared for as much as Gilberto, and right now, that doesn't seem to be an issue. 

I've implied this post is about more than whether Gilberto goes to jail. It's also about more than Gilberto. As this is my blog, it's of course about me. And you. 

The stand I'm taking for Gilberto is a stand I want to take for any of you, whenever you feel unloved. And me writing this is my way of letting you or anyone else hold me accountable. Five years from now—or tomorrow—if I'm not loving you unconditionally, I want you to call me on it. Show me this post, and remind me of what I signed up for. Remind me of what really matters.

I'm taking this stand, too, as I write this, as much as I know how:

I care about you. No matter what you did, I care about you. No matter what happens or what you do in the future, I care about you. No matter what others say or do to me because of you, I care about you. I care about you unconditionally.

Moving on … to Sacramento

It's time for a change. On several levels.

Last time, I shared about my relationship with SaraJean. We still keep in touch, but … I wanted to share one final video about her. We were at an Asian buffet, and they served snails. (I.e., escargo-ish.) We both tried the snails, filming each other's reaction.

It's a fun video. But what I like best is that it reminds me of after. We were driving home, and we were running a bit late. That happened often, which is funny to me since SaraJean didn't mind being late as much as I, but her schedule was always why we needed to get somewhere by a certain time. I guess I felt selfish making her later just to spend time with her.

Anyway, we were running late, but we started talking about the "Chinese fire drill." That's where, at a stop light, everyone gets out of the car and switches seats. (It's a terrible name, I know.) I didn't feel it was very nice to do the drill at a real stop light, so I pulled into a parking lot and we ran around my car there. There was a little more to it, but anyway, it was a happy, spontaneous moment for us.

So this blog may be changing. I'll still talk about personal, fun stuff. Here's one: Over Christmas in Sacramento, I went to a gingerbread-house competition. It was epic!

As you can see, these weren't normal gingerbread houses. My team worked on the one in the bottom-right (it's a mountain covered in snow). The one in the bottom-left was the winner. It may not look like much, but it actually tells the biblical story of the 10 Plagues of Egypt.

This blog will also continue to talk about personal, more-serious stuff. Below is the cover of my 2012 Christmas card. It included an honest reflection of my past year.

If anyone didn't receive the card, you can contact me. I can send you a PDF version, and I still have one or two physical cards left. If you want one of the latter, let me know by leaving a comment at the end of this post, and I'll mail one to you.

Also on a personal note, I will be moving to Sacramento soon. As in tomorrow. =) Actually, this wasn't a rush move, as I've spent the past month letting people know and saying goodbye. Yet it still hasn't sunk in. I suppose as I'm packing my car and driving away for the last time, it'll hit me. So be it.

What will I do in Sac? I'm moving back home with my mom and grandma. I don't have a job lined up yet, but I'll be looking for work in computer programming. That will include both freelance work and making my own "apps."

Talking about work will be a new thing for this blog. I really don't see why life can't be more integrated, and this blog is supposed to be about the important things in my entire life. So I'll be mentioning things I'm working on. Here's a teaser:

Lastly, this blog may continue to throw in some reflection/philosophy. I'm wary of preaching/moralizing, so feel free to push back. Let's end with some questions I won't try to answer here. =)

Imagine a messed-up person. However you would define it, imagine that, plus more. Maybe they killed someone, or several people. Maybe they're a pervert. Maybe they're addicted to heroin and lie and steal to get what they need. Maybe they believe deeply in something that you think is ridiculous.

Now imagine you could love that person. Imagine you could love that person, as they are, while they are still messed up. Would that be good? Or would it be better to not love that person, until they are less messed-up?

What would you loving a messed-up person look like?  

What would you not loving a messed-up person look like?

Have you ever thought you were loving someone, when really you weren't?

Have you ever thought you weren't loving someone, when really you were?

50 Sixth Dates (with SaraJean)

Have you ever seen the movie, "50 First Dates"? It's a romantic comedy from 2004, starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore. The premise is that Adam Sandler likes Drew Barrymore, but she has amnesia. Thus, they end up going on many "first dates." I haven't seen the movie, but the title reminded me of my relationship with SaraJean.

Date 5 was July 14, 2012: "The Hobbit." Back in early May, our plan was to have 6 "official" dates. After that, SaraJean and I would talk about having a deeper relationship. Also, after Date 1, we agreed to have a no-touching boundary until the end of the 6 dates. So far, we had kept that rule, not even holding hands or hugging. In fact, one time SaraJean hurt her foot and needed a band-aid, and I wasn't sure if it was okay to help her put it on. (FYI, it wasn't a question of her needing help, as she can probably do that better on her own anyway. However, she would have been okay with me helping.)

We planned to have Date 6 the next weekend. During that week, a few things happened:

–I secretly looked into getting SaraJean a custom mini-license plate (i.e., a nameplate). I've done this before for friends, but this one would be special.
–I visited SaraJean one evening, and I had some hard apple cider and we watched the anime, "Maison Ikkoku."
–I secretly looked into taking SaraJean to the SIGGRAPH computer-graphics conference. I thought she might enjoy it, and I know she likes good surprises.
–SaraJean sent me a long email, discussing her feelings (and doubts) about us so far.

That last part was a little scary, as it was the first time SaraJean had put into writing any doubts about us. However, it was also good. It gave me time to really think about what she said and to understand her point of view, and it gave me time to think about how I really felt.

From Huntington

SaraJean and I spent most of that weekend together. We met a new friend, Miriam, and walked around the Huntington Gardens with her. SaraJean and I talked about the things she brought up in her email. However, we never seemed to find the time to do a proper "Date 6."

Then, that Sunday, something very important happened. I finally wasn't able to resist being physical with SaraJean. What happened was that we were both in my room, talking. Obviously, that's a recipe for temptation, but it was something we had done before. We both clearly wanted to be closer, on some level. I suppose when I realized we weren't going to have Date 6 that weekend, and that I'd have to wait another week, that was the breaking point for me. After two and a half months, I needed more. I remember telling SaraJean, "I'm going to get a little closer to you. If you want to move back, that's okay. But I'm going to move closer." She didn't move. And so, I moved closer, and we were just a couple inches apart. Then, I …

… I touched my forehead to her forehead.

That was pretty much it. However, after a little while, SaraJean cried. And she needed a moment to herself. I was worried, of course. But then, she came back and gave me a huge hug. It was so huge that I couldn't even hug her back. And then we said goodbye for the day.

The next day, Monday, SaraJean called me and said she wanted to talk, soon. I took this as a good sign, since we had finally broken the ice on being physical, and she had even been the first one to hug me (as opposed to me hugging her).

So SaraJean came to my house that evening, and we walked in the park and talked. We sat on a bench, and she said,

"I want to be just friends."

The first thing that went through my mind was probably, "What?!" After that, it was,"But … we didn't have all 6 dates yet!"


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When I reflect back on that time, it's surprising to me all that's happened since. We had only hugged, and only once. We still had several secrets and shames that we were hiding from each other. We were still living in the shadow of our past relationships and expectations. I guess some things change, but some things stay the same.

That fateful Monday evening, SaraJean was still willing to talk with me, and that was crucial. We realized that just being friends wasn't the only option. What SaraJean really wanted was space to decide, and maybe space to reflect on her past.

From Blue Sabre, Inc.

So, we compromised. Essentially, we decided to play it more by ear. I thought we might not see each other for several weeks, which would have been sad. However, that Friday, we canned peaches together. And I gave SaraJean her special license plate. You may be familiar with these plates (perhaps because I gave one to you =). While each plate is special, SaraJean's really is more special, though it may not be visible in the photo. After all, what is essential is invisible to the eye. Perhaps a child can tell.

In the weeks after, SaraJean and I continued to hang out, perhaps more frequently than either of us expected. We seemed to hang out almost every weekend, unless one of us was out of town. Even in those cases, we would talk on the phone for some time.

One of my favorite memories is this one. This was Sunday, August 12. SaraJean and I had spent a long weekend together, after spending a couple weekdays together at SIGGRAPH. It started with us playing board games with my friends Drew and Elliott. Elliott was visiting from Tokyo! I even squeezed in some babysitting for the special-needs ministry at church. And SaraJean and I spent the night at her place. (Separate beds, Mom! Separate beds!) In the morning, SaraJean made me breakfast in bed.

From SaraJean

I almost cried. I wasn't even sure why, but maybe I know now. When I was a kid, one of my fond memories is making breakfast for my mom on Mother's Day. My dad helped me and my sister. I remember the breakfast tray. And how the light streams into their bedroom in the morning. So, would that be an Oedipus complex? Or, since my dad was the one helping make breakfast, would that be the opposite? If anything, I prefer to think of this as a consensual SaraJean complex. =)

After this, SaraJean and I continued to spend quality time together. We shared about our finances. We watched a screening of the documentary "Half the Sky," about helping oppressed women worldwide. SaraJean was the first person in the world that I shared my most shameful secret with, and she was there when I later shared it with a group of friends from church. We also watched the hit indie documentary, "Searching for Sugar Man," with one of the stars at the theater! (I don't want to say more, because I think the film is best seen without knowing too much about it.)

SaraJean and I never had an official Sixth Date. Instead, it was more like "50 Sixth Dates."

In October, SaraJean and I took a week apart to think about our relationship. She decided she still had to address her past. Also, I still had to find Jesus. We did like each other and were still hopeful about a relationship in the future, so we agreed to be just friends but still spend quality time together. A friend asked me if it's like "friends with benefits"–that's slang for two people being just friends but having sex. If I had to pick a phrase to describe what SaraJean and I decided, I'd say it's like "dating without benefits," except we weren't dating….

The 49th Sixth Date was on a Sunday. We had a nice lunch with some friends from church. Then, SaraJean and I had boba drinks and read "The Little Prince" to each other. It was fun. =)


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A year ago, around Thanksgiving, I was quite a mess. I had become friends with a girl at church, and I started to really like her. I was hoping she might feel the same or at least give me a chance. However, she … deferred. I remember driving home for Thanksgiving, being really, really sad, and I had a stranger in my car from craigslist rideshare. Actually, the stranger was great; I shared all my feelings, and we talked and laughed about girls and guys.

I didn't realize it, but only a month later, SaraJean and I would have our first lunch together with a group from church. It was for someone's birthday, so they took a photo. It's the first photo of SaraJean and I together. Also, one of the guys at that lunch would later tell me, "Geoff, I don't know why you keep looking for someone, when you've got such a nice girl here." And that would be the start of everything. =)

Before SaraJean and I started the "6 Dates," we shared some of our significant life stories. Some would call these "testimonies." We went to a park with a baseball diamond and sat on the bleachers, and I shared about the three big miracles in my life: Minnesota, coin flips, and a donation to a church. But before that, we were at SaraJean's apartment, and she told me her testimony:

"I have a daughter."

SaraJean's daughter is super cute: she has these blond curls that make her look like a six-year-old Taylor Swift. She lives with her adoptive parents in Colorado.

Only recently, I realized that SaraJean may have been really nervous to tell me about her daughter. If she told a stereotypical guy, he might get doubts or think less of her. At best, it might be neutral. However, I was very happy. I was shocked at first, but soon I saw it as a sign of how special SaraJean is, and how I shouldn't judge her so quickly. (I'm not ready to share the specific "sign" yet. However, SaraJean knows. =)

I just wanted to make that point: Sometimes there are things which seem only bad. But in Jesus' upside-down kingdom, those things can actually be good. In fact, those things can be cornerstones.

That reminds me: I should probably clarify one thing I said earlier. ("Just one?!")

It's about Christ. I said I have to find him. But don't I already talk about Jesus a lot? Aren't I already a Christian?

I usually go to church, read the Bible, go to Bible study (aka "small group") and pray. And when I was in high school and college, I called myself a Christian. However, in hindsight, I'm not sure I believed what I said I believed. Or at least, I can't say I believe it now. I did go to a Billy Graham crusade once, and I still have a card that says, "My Decision for Christ," signed November 18, 2004. So maybe I am a Christian. Maybe I will go to heaven and Jesus will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But I'm not sure, so I stopped calling myself a Christian while I sort things out.

I do believe in God. If anything, I've experienced too many miracles to deny that. But is God the god of the Jews? Of the Christians? Of elsewhere? And what about Jesus? Did a man really die for everyone's sins, in a way that appeased God? Do I really believe that? Or do I simply hope it's true?

Why do I mention Jesus so much? Well, I used to talk only to God. I would pray to him and sometimes ask him about Jesus. At one point during the months I've spent with SaraJean, I decided that a good way to get to know someone is to talk to her directly. So now I talk to Jesus every day, as best I can. And since the Christian Jesus is supposed to be the same as God (God's son), I use Jesus' name wherever I would use God's. In a philosophical sense, if Jesus doesn't exist, then I may be talking to no one. Or I may be addressing God by the wrong name, and he might not like that. However, this is the road I'm on, and I'm sticking with it for the time being.


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From San Diego

On Friday morning, November 16, 2012, SaraJean and I had our 50th Sixth Date. (We didn't actually count.) I picked her up, drove her to work, and we chatted in the car. We also had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. We had tried being special friends, but I was unable to be platonic emotionally. SaraJean's feelings had also changed, and she had decided that she didn't want to be in a relationship with me.

I started sharing about SaraJean and me as a love story with an uncertain ending. I'm sorry it didn't work out. (That's an understatement.)

What will I do now? When I look back, I'm sure I'll realize even more deeply what a wonderful journey it's been, how blessed I was to get to know SaraJean so much, and how much she did for me. But for now, I'll probably just find ways to grieve: I may do a grieving ritual, send SaraJean an email, maybe even write a real letter. I know the nights will be hard for me.

I'll probably talk to Jesus and cry in my room. Then I'll come back and write the last section of a blog post about SaraJean and I. I'll explain that I drove her to work and we had brunch and a long heart-to-heart talk. I'll be clear that any romantic relationship we had is now over. And I'll frame it as our "50th Sixth Date."

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 5)

Ah, Date 5. Also known as, "Geoff's last chance." =) That's because I got to plan the odd dates (1, 3, 5) and SaraJean got to plan the even dates (2, 4, 6). So this was my last chance to make a good impression in the role of date planner.

Date 4 was June 16, 2002: the kite. Date 5 was July 14. What happened in the month between?

Let's start with the kite at the end of Date 4. I always thought that had been the start of SaraJean's relationship doubts, but I'm not so sure anymore. I looked at our old emails, and we seemed pretty much the same. Then, SaraJean flew home to Colorado for a weekend while I attended an anime convention. Besides family in Colorado, there was extra drama going on in SaraJean's family. Then, when SaraJean got back to LA, her ex-boyfriend–we called him Jason in the previous post–flew into town to visit her. Jason's plan was that they would go up to San Francisco somehow, because he had a friend's wedding to attend, then they would go to the wine country and ride bikes and go wine tasting with friends.

So, Jason and SaraJean hung out for a couple days in LA. Then they were going to drive up to SF with our friend Erik, but he had to cancel. So I decided to drive up with them. My main reason was that, since Jason was flying out of SF, I would get to drive back to LA with just SaraJean and myself. I thought that 6-hour drive together would be a good bonding experience.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, a few things changed:

1. I started to really, really like SaraJean.
2. SaraJean started to have serious doubts about our "compatibility."

Go figure?

I was trying to remember when my feelings for SaraJean first started to change. I think it was the kite, and just how different it was. And I definitely got jealous when Jason came back, so that probably helped my feelings along. And going to Anime Expo alone or being apart for so long probably contributed, too.

Anyway, by the time Jason's friend's wedding arrived, my heart had turned completely to SaraJean. So, while we waited for the wedding to finish, I happily drove us to Monterey Bay Aquarium. I know my heart was completely turned, because even though the aquarium was open only a couple hours more and admission was still full price ($35/ea), I *wanted* to go, and I *wanted* to pay. =)

When did things change for SaraJean? She might say the kite, but I wonder if the visit home also seeded doubt. (Her parents are divorced, plus there's been extra drama in her family.) And I can't but wonder if Jason coming back played a role.

And remember our different MBTI personality results? Having a test that tells you how different you are may not have been wise. =) (My opinion is that different personalities are good in the long run, because you'll always be stretching each other to develop. Then again, if I were dating a girl with the same personality as I, I might say the opposite. =)

At least we have similar love languages. =)

A few days or weeks after the aquarium, SaraJean and I talked about it again. She thought I didn't like her much at that time, which really surprised me. There were all these little things I did, because I liked her. However, she interpreted them oppositely. What's interesting (and sad) to me is that once one starts doing that, it's a downhill slope. It's like, "Why did he do that? Oh, again?" instead of "Oh, how sweet! Boy, he's trying." It really reminds me of the importance of attitude, as mentioned in the previous post.

At this point, I want to say that for me, attitude comes from commitment. Which is why commitment is so important to me.

Another funny thing from the aquarium: this wasn't an official date. But while going there, SaraJean said, "It sure seems like we should consider it a date." I said no, because I wanted to save Date 5 for something else (below). But inside, I also thought, "It sounds like she just wants to get the Dates over as quickly as possible, because she's lost interest in me." I guess I also needed an attitude check.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure SaraJean had a good time at the aquarium. And you can tell I was trying hard–perhaps too hard?–because there are a lot of photos. =)








After the aquarium, we picked up Jason. That Sunday, we went to Sonoma and went bike riding and wine tasting. I don't have any photos of that handy, but it was good exercise and fun. (Except for me being jealous of Jason hanging out with SaraJean. Thank goodness my friend Steph was there.)

On Monday, things got messy. Since we were near my hometown of Sacramento, I wanted SaraJean to visit my mom and meet my grandma, who's in her nineties. As you can imagine, this was really important to me. The plan was that Jason, SaraJean and Steph would hang out during the day while I went home. Then, Jason would go to SF (either via Steph or public transit), and SaraJean would visit my home for dinner. Instead, all three of them ended up going to SF for the entire day and evening, so I was feeling quite despondent.

However, it sort of worked out. SaraJean was still willing to come really late to my house and stay overnight. Steph also came. Tuesday morning, they had breakfast with my mom, grandma and sister. SaraJean and I had a long walk through the parks near my house, down to the river. And we talked.

From Monterey Bay Aquarium

A wise man once told me, "Stick to your guns." Actually, it was a friend who was hurt by a girl who had strung him along. My friend and I had recently talked, and I remember how he wished he had at least stuck to his guns. You know, say what he wanted to say, not what he thought she wanted to hear. Do what he wanted to do, not just what she wanted to do.

I felt SaraJean was hiding something, and I remembered my friend's hard-won advice. So I kept asking until she finally admitted it: she had serious doubts about us being "compatible enough" to ever make it as a couple.

From SaraJean, Mom

Strangely, I was sort of happy with this breakthrough. I was glad I was right, because it meant my intuition wasn't crazy. And I was glad that SaraJean had finally been honest with me. I think it's really hard to have a relationship when someone is hiding how they really feel. Sometime between that moment and now, SaraJean and I became really honest with each other. And so many times, that has made all the difference.

After our walk and talk, SaraJean and I had to return to LA. So here it was: the 6-hour drive together that I had been waiting for all along! Of course, SaraJean had just told me that she basically felt we should break up. But, she was stuck in the car with me until we got home, and we still had two dates to finish. =)

From Ron, Muriel, SaraJean: Hometown Buffet

On the way to LA, we stopped in Fresno to visit my Auntie Muriel and Uncle Ron. I was really looking forward to seeing them. For one thing, if SaraJean was worried about people being too different to make things work, then maybe it'd be good to see how my aunt and uncle make it work. Besides, more and more, I find that I just love my relatives. =)

After Fresno, it was late but we still had to get home. SaraJean slept in the car while I drove. But there was a lot of construction and traffic, it was hot, and I ignored my grandma's advice and didn't pack enough water. What's funny is that it was the happiest I have ever been in traffic. I was like, "More traffic? Great!" You see, SaraJean still had serious doubts about us, and I knew this might be our first and last road trip together. So, I was in no rush for the trip to end.

We got back to LA very early on Wednesday. Date 5 had to be that Saturday. Had SaraJean already given up hope? ("Geoff, stick to your guns!")

On Saturday, I picked SaraJean up around noon and gave her some sunflowers. I didn't have a plan for where to eat, so we went to Five Guys Burgers since I'd never been. It was good, but I still prefer In-N-Out.

I had learned that SaraJean likes surprises. (I like discussions. =) So, I didn't tell her where we were going. She thought we might be going all the way to San Diego for Comic Con!

But no, I had put my hope in "The Hobbit." Not a hobbit, like Frodo Baggins from "Lord of the Rings." "The Hobbit" is the book that takes place before "Lord of the Rings." But instead of reading the book, or waiting for the film which comes out this December, we went to a play!

The play was at the Maverick Theater in Fullerton. The Maverick is a small, quaint theater. I knew about it from my good friend Nick McGee. I was really looking forward to this for a few reasons:

–The play was adapted from the book by one of Nick's friends, who was the director. So this was a very local, unique opportunity.

–I saw the play two years ago, and it was great! I wanted to see what was the same and what was new.

–Nick is the hobbit!!!

SaraJean didn't know that last part, or really anything about the play. I just told her that my friend was in it.

Alas, I didn't take any photos of the actual play, and I don't think they'd do justice, anyway. But just imagine, you have to have an epic adventure with dwarves, elves, goblins, wizards, dragons, men, trolls, spiders and, yes, the hobbit. And you have to cross fields, valleys, mountains, caves, bridges, dungeons and forests. And there are battles, riddles, adventures and fellowship. All in one set, with a handful of local actors. But they did it, and it was awesome.

I'll just say, the trolls were especially amazing. Three 12-foot-tall monstrosities came out of nowhere, and they were each controlled by three puppeteers in black, so the effect was really surreal.


"This is amazing!"











Here we are in front of the set. This arch behind us did quadruple-plus duty as a hobbit hole, bridge, gate, dungeon, mountain pass, cave, and many other things.

After the play, Nick came out and I introduced SaraJean to him. I don't know if it really mattered to SaraJean which person in the play was my friend, but I felt honored to know *the* Hobbit. =)

From Date 5

Nick and I! It's too bad I didn't get any photos of people in costume. The first year, they created a giant mechanical spider that came down from the ceiling. This year, they used a girl dressed in black, on stilts. Both were really amazing.

Afterward, the three of us ate dinner at Baja Fresh. Then, SaraJean and I had a nice, long drive home. We watched some of the anime show "Maison Ikkoku." And I said some of the things that were really on my heart. ("Geoff, stick to your guns!")

So that was Date 5, my "last chance." Really, it was just watching a play that my friend was in. But for some reason, I felt really good about it. I had really wanted to share the experience with SaraJean, and it almost didn't happen. (We went on the last day.) It's a really fun, unique play, and they may never do it again. Probably more importantly, Nick is a good friend of mine, so I was glad he and SaraJean could meet.

And now, it's time for a reality check. When I started these posts about 6 Dates, I said that "maybe the not-knowing is what makes it worth writing about." And indeed, SaraJean & I still don't know the end of this story. It's reasonably conceivable that SaraJean and I could be together tomorrow, or separated next week, or married in a month. (Just kidding, Mom! That last part is because a couple friends got married at the courthouse. =) Moreover, there's a lot going on in both our lives right now. It's actually shaping into a time in which we really have to trust Jesus. I don't quite know what I'll write next time, and I think SaraJean knows even less. All I can say is that A LOT happened between Date 5 and …

… Date 6: You Think You Know Someone….

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 4)

This post is nominally about the 4th Date for SaraJean and me. But it's actually about something else.

Date 4 was June 16, 2012, a week after Date 3. SaraJean doesn't own a car, so usually I drive to visit her. (We live 45 minutes apart.) However, for this date, SaraJean borrowed a friend's car. Also, she told me we were going to the beach, but the rest would be a surprise!

SaraJean arrived a little late, and I thought something had gone wrong with the preparations. But actually, she said she was late because she was worried I wouldn't like her idea for the date. Of course, I assured her that she was wrong and that I'd love whatever idea she had.

Perhaps I was too cavalier …

This was SaraJean's idea: build a kite and fly it at the beach. But by "build," she didn't mean to put one together from a kit. She had some leftover material from a friend's attempt to build a blimp, and she had some sticks and string from a craft store. We would put all that together from scratch, and then we'd drive to the beach and hope it flies!

Now, the Geoff who is writing this thinks a certain way about this idea, and I'll share that later. But the Geoff who was on Date 4 was really thrown by this idea. I'll try to explain.

When SaraJean said we were going to the beach, but with a surprise, I instantly thought we might go fly a kite. Why? Several years ago, I had a relationship with a girl I'll call Fio. Long story short, I broke up with Fio, then later I wanted her back, but she had a new boyfriend, whom I'll call Jason. Fio and Jason's first date was to fly a kite at the beach.

Oh, and SaraJean's previous relationship was with this same Jason.

SaraJean came up with the kite idea on her own, so my correct guess was just a coincidence. However, I had already prepared myself mentally to fly a kite, and I felt I could handle that and we'd have a fun time. What I wasn't expecting was to build a kite from scratch. You see, I don't have much experience with building things with my hands, and I have a really poor intuition for physics, including how things fly. I really didn't know where to start. In my mind, I saw us cobbling together something very flimsy. We couldn't test it beforehand, since the beach was an hour away. So, we'd probably drive all the way there, only to have the kite fail miserably, like falling apart or never getting off the ground. Also, I imagined that Jason and SaraJean had probably flown kites at the beach several times, so she'd always compare our "lame" date with previous "fun" dates.

Now, if you think that I totally had the wrong attitude, I agree. However, I'm sharing how I really felt at that time.

Another thing I got wrong: I assumed SaraJean hadn't tried to prepare much. After all, we weren't using a kit, we didn't have instructions or "official" kite-building materials, and neither of us had built a kite from scratch before. But despite this, SaraJean had tried hard in her own way. For example, she had been planning this for several days. Also, she didn't have kite string on a spool, but she had spent several hours going to craft stores looking for it. (Remember, she doesn't own a car.) The "kite material" was a weird shiny material from a blimp, but she had played with it a bit and thought it might work. Most importantly, SaraJean had tried to figure out how we would attach the shiny blimp material to the kite's wooden frame….

In hindsight, a lot of things could have worked for that. Staples. Glue. But what SaraJean came up with was both creative and cute: We ironed duct tape.

You see, SaraJean had already tried using duct tape on the blimp material. I think that worked okay but not great. Then, she tried folding the duct tape to make it double-sided. That wasn't tight enough. But *somehow*, SaraJean figured out that ironing the duct tape, in just the right way, worked. So, when SaraJean arrived for our date, she even brought her iron! (That was very good, because I have no idea if we even have an iron at our house. Two bachelors live here. =)

My impression of SaraJean went way up from this duct-tape epiphany. It reminds me of those movie moments when the guy sees the girl in a new dress with her hair done up, and time freezes for a moment, and then his whole attitude starts to change.

However, I mentioned earlier that I was really thrown by the idea of building a kite from scratch and trying to fly it. I didn't know what to do, so I basically did nothing. I sort of tried to look busy organizing or cleaning up, while SaraJean did almost all of the cutting, tying, and, yes, ironing.

Not one of my prouder moments.

We rested a bit while building the kite. I think that was when we spent some time reading our MBTI type descriptions and discussing how accurate we thought they were. Since our types are a bit different, it was a really good exercise. (We should probably do it regularly, as we're always learning more about each other.)

The main difference between my personality type and SaraJean's is that I'm a strong "J" and she's a strong "P." A theoretical example:

"Js tend to offer decisive opinions on most topics, while Ps are less likely to do so, often preferring to answer a question with another question." (From "Type Talk" by Kroeger and Thuesen.)

Another example:

"Ps are capable of generating alternatives to any situation, while Js tend to get locked into one method." 

Sadly, I didn't realize how well that described the current kite-building situation. (Js also need time alone to process new ideas.)

So, what happened with the kite?

From Date 4

Actually, it was pretty cool. There was a lot of wind at the beach, which was good. The kite nose-dived into the ground at first. However, we adjusted the strings, and then we could keep the kite airborne for short periods of time.

Also, the blimp-material-plus-ironed-duct-tape worked great. It was very strong but light, and it was cool to see the shiny kite reflect the sun. Even better, we could look through the kite and see the sun! (It's that little speck in the photo, glinting behind the kite. From the upper-left corner, it's about 1/4 of the way to the right and 1/4 down.)

Afterward, we were going to have a little picnic at the beach, but it was too windy and a little cold. So, we went to In-N-Out and planned to have a combination burger-picnic there. SaraJean seemed happy that I had finally tried to get the kite flying with her. However, she seemed thrown off when it was time to actually eat. She excused herself to get something from the car, but then she just sat in the car for awhile. (I asked if she needed anything, but she just wanted to be alone.) Eventually, she came back in and we ate a little.

Going into Date 4, I think SaraJean really liked me, and up until then I had given her only reasons to like me more. But maybe this date gave her some doubts. In any case, things got rough in the weeks after. Ironically, I think Date 4 was the second stage of me really starting to appreciate and like SaraJean, which made my caution melt away. In hindsight, I came to really like the idea of making a kite from scratch and flying it at the beach. It's the kind of thing I'd like to do with my kids someday. But hey, why wait? I only wish I could have appreciated things earlier.

SaraJean and I talked about this date a lot in the weeks afterward. One way to sum it up would be to say that SaraJean gave it her all, even when I wasn't pulling my weight. I suppose one could be generous and say that I eventually tried to pitch in, but it was too little, too late.

…

Wait, drat it! It's too early for doom and gloom! The truth is that the story gets rough, but there will be a comeback. And then, well, it's like in the opening post: I have a lot of hope, but I really don't know how this love story will go, especially as I write this on October 11, 2012.

I used to dwell on "the kite date" a lot, and it used to really bother me. But you know what? I decided I have to move on. I think reflection is good, even to the point of regret. But then, we have to learn those lessons and move on. SaraJean and I learned that we have fundamental differences in our personalities, and that will require work in our relationship. (Like most good things!) I learned that I need to be a little more flexible and risk messing up. SaraJean learned that I respond a lot better when she does a bit of a "hit-and-run": hit me with the idea, then give me a few minutes alone to think about it. And since we stopped dwelling on past mistakes, we've also realized that we have a lot in common.

For example, we re-learned something that we both strongly believe in: The importance of attitude.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes." (Chuck Swindoll)

Ultimately, the most important thing I learned from Date 4 is something that I should have known from the beginning:

SaraJean is worth it.

I hope the kite lasts forever.

Next time, on Date 5: A friend, and a hobbit. (Yes, hobbit!)

6 Dates with SaraJean: A Love Story? (Date 3)

Last time: SaraJean took me out on a date! We went to the top of Mt. Wilson at night. It was great, except … she also asked for a "no physical contact" rule until all 6 dates were over! And with that, it was my turn. =)

Date 3 was the next weekend, on June 9, 2012. At least three things happened around this time:

1) One of the pastors at my church, Pastor Julie, cut off her long, brown hair to donate.

2) SaraJean took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test.

3) Two of SaraJean's friends, Marc & Mika, bought a house.

Why do I mention these three things? 2) might be obvious, but let's go in order.

1) So Pastor Julie cuts her hair, and she's going to donate it. She's been growing it for two years, just for this purpose. Julie also has a little girl. And wouldn't you know it, before Julie could mail off her hair, Julie's daughter found it and had a wonderful time taking it apart and playing with it. The hair was now a tangled mess and unacceptable for donation.

Pastor Julie told me the story at church camp. I asked what she was going to do now. She said she couldn't bear to throw out the hair; she would cry just thinking about it. But the only way to restore the hair would be for someone to separate the strands one by one and line them all up. That sounded right up my alley, so I said I would do it!

The next week, Pastor Julie met me at church and handed me a bag containing her hair. It was definitely a funny exchange.

My plan was to use some tweezers, take out each strand one at a time, and use masking tape to line them all up. It'd be simple enough, so I could watch a movie while doing it.


Three movies later, I had barely done anything. It turns out that the hair looked okay on the surface, but it was deceptively difficult to untangle. And you know what? The average human head has over 100,000 hairs! I can't imagine even counting to 100,000!

Also, I realized I know nothing about hair, especially women's long hair. So, I asked SaraJean for advice. =) She had some good ideas, but it was still too hard, so I improvised.

The photo at left looks like I'm dissecting some crazy hair beast. And, yes, I had to buy hair clips.

One improvisation was to soak the hair in oil, to make it easier to work with. I didn't have lots of conditioner, but I had a lot of canola oil. You can see it in the left of the photo, in the container and in the ziploc bag. I soaked the hair in the canola oil overnight, to see if that helped. It actually did, but not enough.

One improvisation deserves another, right? I bought some conditioner to see if that worked better. However, I didn't have enough to submerge all the hair in it. So I thought, "Well, if I put the hair and conditioner in a bag, and put that in the dryer, maybe it will tumble around and mix better?"

That sooo did not work. Instead, the hair became a ball of even-more-tangled hair.

From Hair

Pastor Julie's precious hair was now truly unfixable. And it looked like … a giant hairball, of course. (Growing up, we had a cat.)

In the end, I had to admit defeat and apologize to Pastor Julie. Thankfully, she took it in stride.

Ok, so maybe that didn't have a lot to do with SaraJean. =)

2) SaraJean's MBTI personality profile is ENFP. She's pretty strong along all 4 scales. Me? I just took the test, and I'm I(S/N)FJ. (I'm in the middle of the scale for S/N.) However, I also took the test in 2005 and was (E/I)STJ. So in the past seven years, I've become more I, less S, way more F, and I am still a strong J. Our personality types will certainly come up in future posts. In the meantime, if you want to take the test, go here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm. I'd love to know what you get. (Include the numerical breakdown!)

3) Marc & Mika bought a house. This really was relevant! =) Date 3 was my turn to plan, and SaraJean had raised the bar. I had only a week, and her birthday was around the corner. But then, Marc & Mika needed help with their backyard, and SaraJean asked if I was interested. So, that became Date 3. Also, I was planning to pick a place to eat afterward, but our friend Daniel was having a BBQ, so we went there instead. Whew!

I didn't take any photos of Date 3, either. (Sorry!) Does that mean this is the end of this post?

…

…

Of course not. =) Didn't you wonder why Marc & Mika needed help with their backyard? =)

In fact, it wasn't just to dig up dirt. Marc & Mika needed help because their entire backyard–just underneath the top layer of dirt–was full of trash.

Trash like this. This is Marc & Mika's backyard. While I didn't take photos of Date 3, Mika took photos on a day when other friends were helping. Thank you, Mika!

In fact, in the photo, SaraJean is in the very-back-right, in the green shirt.

The backyard looks "normal" from a distance. But if you dig down just a little, you'll find trash. And more trash. Apparently, the previous owners had been foreclosed on and were squatting. They probably didn't have trash service, but they were still generating trash. One improvisation deserves another?

They found all kinds of things. Cement blocks. Pottery. A tire. Food waste. Plastic bags full of leaves. I think there was even a toilet. Here, Mika found an apron!



I wasn't there when these photos were taken. But for Date 3, just imagine me working hard, standing next to SaraJean. =)

From Digging (from Mika)

They filled a dumpster!


Mika likes gardening, so eventually, they WILL get everything cleaned up and looking beautiful. After that, no one will be able to look at the backyard and imagine that it was once, literally, a dump.

So, Date 3 was digging up garbage in a friend's backyard! But I had fun, and I think SaraJean did, too. We got to talk and get to know each other better, we helped out some friends, and we exercised. I still had to figure out something for SaraJean's birthday, but Date 4 would be SaraJean's turn again. What would she come up with this time?

Next time is Date 4: A Kite of Wonder and … regret?